MAGNETO versus QUICKSILVER, VISION & SCARLET WITCH

Please Allow Me To Introduce Myself...! (Marvel)
Where: Vision and The Scarlet Witch #4 When: February 1983 Why: Bill Mantlo How: Rick Leonardi

The Story So Far...
On a dark and stormy night, a pilgrim clad in white makes the arduous trek up Mount Wundagore. His quest is to reclaim a past thought lost to him. Finding the kindness and hospitality of the cow-woman midwife Bova -- he learns the true fate of his dead wife and their infant twins!

For the revelation, the pilgrim leaves Bova and her nigh catatonic charge, Modred, to the elements -- their hovel torn asunder by the nails and metal trim that held it together. For this mysterious man in white is Magneto and he has learned that his lost children yet live!

At the moon city of Attilan Quicksilver welcomes his sister Scarlet Witch and her husband The Vision, but the reunion in the Inhuman city will soon be interrupted as the Avengers are at last confronted by their father!

Tale of the Tape...
Strength: Vision 5 (Super-Human)
Intelligence: Magneto 5 (Professor)
Speed: Quicksilver 6 (Mach Speed)
Stamina: Vision 6 (Generator)
Agility: Scarlet Witch 3 (Acrobat)
Fighting: Draw 3 (Streetwise)
Energy: Scarlet Witch 7 (Cosmic Power)
Total: Magneto 28 (Metahuman)

Talk about a dysfunctional family! Magneto first recruited Quicksilver & Scarlet Witch into his Brotherhood of Mutants when they were set upon by angry village folk. They remained under his guidance out of loyalty and fear, aiding in The Brotherhood's battles against the X-Men and Sub-Mariner [see; X-Men #6].

Pietro & Wanda Maximoff soon broke away from Magneto's influence and sought refuge with The Avengers. The young mutants proved themselves as valuable additions, establishing a new life as charter members.

Scarlet Witch ultimately found love with her Avengers teammate - the synthezoid Vision. Her brother Quicksilver also became romantically entangled after a mission left him injured, and nursed back to health, by Inhuman royal Crystal.

Magneto goes to Attilan seeking a reunion, but the notorious villain will find only animosity from his children. They don't yet know he's their father, and are fully reformed heroes who have no desire for his past domineering, or war against humanity.

Quicksilver's mutant speed compliments his quick temper and protective instincts for his sister -- but he also has a knack for getting ahead of himself.

Apocalypse was able to anticipate the runner's momentum and use it against him in Uncanny X-Men #295. It was a similar story when Quicksilver joined a later mission to attack Magneto's Avalon space station in X-Men (Vol.2) #25. Pietro's efforts endured, but Magneto showed almost lethal contempt repelling his son!

Vision's ability to control his molecular density and quite literally move through the landscape impressed Thanos during Infinity Gauntlet #4. Similar tactics could surprise Magneto, but Vision's synthetic nature leaves him vulnerable to Magneto's ability to influence electro-magnetic fields. Loki disrupted Vision in such a way in Avengers (Vol.2) #1.

Crystal's command of the elements is impressive, but the real wildcard here is Scarlet Witch!

Her hex bolts gave Thanos cause for thought during their Infinity Gauntlet face-off, and the broad capabilities of her magic could very well get the better of Magneto -- provided she isn't shaken by his stern governance over her younger self.

Magneto is capable of great cruelty, having already used his power to torture his family's identity out of Bova by manipulating the iron in her blood. We also saw a period-relevant Magneto leave the X-Men for dead in X-Men #113, and later betray his former students as the Hellfire Club's Black King in New Mutants #75.

The Tape: Vision, Scarlet Witch & Quicksilver Ranking: Magneto (#82)

What Went Down...

The appearance of a mysterious individual clad in white signals the rising of an invisible force field that encases the tower balcony of Crystal and Quicksilver.

The barrier resists the analytical strikes of Karnak and the brute force of Gorgon. It even denies the hex power of Scarlet Witch, and holds the intangible synthezoid Vision captive within its border. Such is the will of the Master of Magnetism -- Magneto!

Shedding his white cloak: Magneto reveals himself to his intended audience.

Its no surprise Quicksilver is the first to recognize Magneto's voice and reject the villain's recollection of past fealty to he and his Brotherhood.

The mutant speedster greets his mentor as a hostile intruder in his home -- racing to attack! His rage is so quick he doesn't even notice, or consider, the magnetic shield Magneto assembles around him.

It's only the quick wit and determination of his sister, Scarlet Witch, that saves him from impact! Her hex sphere turns magnetized particles into harmless flowers.

Barely missing a step -- Quicksilver blasts through the petals and slams Magneto against a wall at blistering speed! The collision rattles Quicksilver as well, but Vision steps forward to defend his wife, Scarlet Witch.

Out of respect for his former charge's affections: Magneto vows to "go easy" on Vision by merely encasing him in metal sourced from the tower apartment floor.

The physical challenge is no match for Vision's ability to alter his molecular density. He effortlessly escapes his metal bondage, stepping through it to phase his hand through Magneto's torso. The attack is non-lethal, but uncomfortable!

Wracked with pain, and troubled by Vision's analysis of his actions, Magneto throws his hand up and rends the ferrous molecules in his synthetic blood -- threatening to tear the synthezoid apart!

Vision's mastery of his own molecules allows him to resist being dispersed, but the vicious attack succeeds in sidelining him -- and inspiring his wife's wrath!

Scarlet Witch unleashes her mutant mystic hex-bolts while the elemental Crystal surrounds Magneto in flame!

The Witch orders Magneto to kneel, but across the balcony Quicksilver sees that he is rising to defy them. Concern spurs Quicksilver on as he scrambles to protect his beloved sister, wife, and daughter Luna whom Crystal cradles!

Quicksilver improvises a spear from a nearby flagpole and sends it hurtling like a high-speed javelin into Magneto's shoulder joint!

The Master of Magnetism extracts the pole with but a thought -- and sends it flying back toward its source. The shaft strikes Quicksilver in the ribs as it passes by. Magneto was deliberate in choosing a non-lethal path.

The cries of baby Luna punctuate Magneto's act of mercy.

The baby's mother compels all to cease fighting and stop scaring her daughter. A request Magneto is all too happy to honor. He didn't come to Attilan looking for combat. His were purely sentimental reasons. The innocent cries of his human grand-daughter remind him of that, and a new way forward for the future.

Embracing the child, Magneto ends the conflict with a stunning revelation: she is his granddaughter. Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch are his children!

The Hammer...

What a great way to end the first Vision & Scarlet Witch mini-series!

Quicksilver & Scarlet Witch first came to learn the Maximoff family were not their parents by birth during a saga started with 1979's Avengers #185.

Quicksilver soon ran a path that took him to Wundagore Mountain and Bova, but the High Evolutionary's hybrid midwife was unable to reveal the identity of their father, both by wish of their deceased mother Magda, and honest ignorance.

Today's battle becomes the first time Magneto is revealed to be the father of the twins -- even though they debuted at his side 19 years earlier in X-Men #4!

The shared history of the characters makes the familial revelation incredibly natural. There was a certain paternal undertone to Magneto's stern doting on Scarlet Witch in those early appearances. We learn that he didn't actually know his wife had successfully given birth to two children, but it's easy to project a retroactive connection onto his relationship with the twins, never the less.

The revelation helps flesh out Magneto as much as the two heroes. It further builds out a history that had made him a more complex, sympathetic villain than some of his earlier characterizations as would-be world conquering egomaniac.

It seems a real shame the development was undone during 2015's Avengers/X-Men: AXIS. Widely accepted as a byproduct of corporate licensing disagreements, its now a moot point just five years later.

Disney successfully reacquired its X-Men rights through the outright purchase and acquisition of the 20th Century Fox library. With any luck we can soon return to an understanding that Magneto is the father of Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch.

In fact, the only thing that would be cooler than restoring canon would be Marvel making use of their rights in next year's Disney+ streaming series WandaVision.

The latest preview trailer suggests an insidious side to the nostalgic domestic dream of Scarlet Witch's new life with Vision. It seems to pay homage to the second Vision & Scarlet Witch comic book series, which included their attempts to fit in with life in suburbia, but re-casts the scenario as a projected entrapment.

That kind of psychic strategy is right up the alley of one of Scarlet Witch's earliest allies: Mastermind! Wouldn't it be fantastic if the streaming show peeled back the veil in the end to reveal Mastermind working for Magneto in some grand plot to introduce himself as her father and ingratiate her into The Brotherhood?

It's highly unlikely anything anywhere near as exciting as that will come about on the show, but that's why classic comics are so much more fun!

If you want to check out the entirety of this classic mini you can find all four issues collected within 2021's Vision & The Scarlet Witch: The Saga of Wanda and Vision. Use the Amazon purchase link provided and you'll not only score yourself a great deal -- you'll help support the site at no extra charge to you!

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Winner: Inconclusive (Draw)
#81 (+1) Magneto
#416 (+2) Vision
#424 (--) Scarlet Witch
#432 (+31) Crystal
#991 (-1) Quicksilver
#599 (new) Luna Maximoff [+1 assist]

AVENGERS versus THANOS

(Marvel)
Where: Free Comic Book Day Civil War II #1 When: May 2016 Why: Brian Michael Bendis How: Jim Cheung

The Story So Far...
An Inhuman known as Ulysses Cain may hold the secrets to the impending future! In an effort to verify his ominous visions, Inhuman Queen Medusa accompanies him to The Triskelion for further testing under the watchful eye of Black Panther and The Ultimates.

Upon his arrival, Ulysses is suddenly confronted with a glimpse into an oncoming threat: Thanos is coming!

The Mad Titan aims to claim a Cosmic Cube from Project PEGASUS, but as he teleports towards their secluded Mount Athena base in New York -- a powerful assembly of Avengers prepares to greet him with extreme prejudice!

Tale of the Tape...
Strength: Thanos 6 (Invincible)
Intelligence: Black Panther 5 (Professor)
Speed: Photon 5 (Super-Human)
Stamina: Thanos 7 (Unstoppable)
Agility: Black Panther 4 (Gymnast)
Fighting: Thanos 6 (Warrior)
Energy: Human Torch 7 (Cosmic Power)
Total: Thanos 34 (Super)

The Avengers are: Captain Marvel, Black Panther, Ms. America, Spectrum, Blue Marvel, She-Hulk, Dazzler, Medusa, Crystal, Human Torch, and War Machine.

It might be a tad glib to call them "The Avengers". More accurately, we have various solo heroes joining representatives of then-current lineups for The Ultimates, A-Force, and Inhumans. Avengers, by any other name...

They're up against one of the deadliest villains in the cosmic canon! Forget what you might've heard about altruistic balance and preservation of life. Thanos will always be The Mad Titan whose lust for Death nearly destroyed the universe!

When he famously formed The Infinity Gauntlet, he became nigh omnipotent, wiping out half of all life in existence to impress Lady Death. When the surviving heroes came to confront him, his true sadism emerged! Various heroes met a twisted end, including She-Hulk, who was consumed by some type of growth.

She-Hulk's the only one of today's heroes we've seen go against Thanos before. Despite her demise that day, she showed potential for getting some serious shots in! Iron Man was one of the heroes also there, but his example of an unceremonious decapitation isn't the most promising one for War Machine.

Thanos doesn't have any Infinity Stones in today's battle, which at least means War Machine should be able to leave a mark! Human Torch might fare better than Firelord, as well. Johnny went mostly unnoticed by Gladiator in Fantastic Four #249, but turned up the heat enough to burn Ego The Living Planet in Fantastic Four #235. The potential to go nova could scorch even Thanos!

Captain Marvel is the real ace up this team's sleeve. We've seen her Kree-infused powers mix it up with the uber-powerful Collective in New Avengers #17, a Dormammu-powered Hood in New Avengers #54, and a giant Agamotto-possessed Luke Cage in New Avengers (Vol.2) #2!

At this point in time, Carol Danvers is once again juiced to the max and powerful enough to go toe-to-toe with cosmic powers! That could give her the best shot at recreating Drax's killing blow against Thanos, seen in Annihilation #4! I don't imagine Thanos will be nearly as accommodating this time, though.

It took the remains of a Cosmic Cube to stop Thanos when he was resurrected anew in Guardians of the Galaxy #25! His naked rampage took down the entire Guardians lineup, including Drax, Groot, and Moondragon! He also didn't even break a sweat when turning on Terrax during an inter-dimensional scheme seen in Green Lantern/Silver Surfer!

Even without that Infinity Gauntlet, we know Thanos is as serious a threat as they come! He can be defeated, but will the pre-cognition of Ulysses give this assembly of heroes the advantage they need to do the deed? Let's find out!

The Tape: Avengers Ranking: Thanos (#9)

What Went Down...
True to the prophetic vision of the Inhuman Ulysses -- a purple beam of light signals the arrival of Thanos! Though unprepared for an Avengers ambush, he is heavily armed with sophisticated weaponry and immediately resists arrest!

The descending group of heroes are quickly dispersed by the gun's powerful blast. Captain Marvel absorbs its deadly energies. The Human Torch stays airborne and maneuvers to be the first to immediately strike back!

Swooping behind his target, The Human Torch bathes Thanos in an intense flame! There's no need to hold back against a foe as powerful and resilient as The Mad Titan -- but his fire can only blaze so hot with friends nearby.

The Torch's former Fantastic Four teammate She-Hulk ignores the burn and rushes in to dive tackle Thanos from behind! The bold move succeeds in scoring a takedown, but The Mad Titan swears this day will mark her death.

She-Hulk grapples with the burning Thanos before Captain Marvel calls her shot and unleashes a massive blast of photonic energy!

The explosive energy pushes She-Hulk clear. Dazzler joins in, enthusiastically pouring on the power with more energy blasts. With Thanos pinned down, Captain Marvel calls in War Machine for a second wave of artillery fire!

Reeling from the awesome display of power, Thanos wonders how the Avengers could be ready with such a coordinated attack. He doesn't have long to contemplate before Medusa ensnares him in blinding, suffocating curls of hair!

War Machine is still firing munitions when Thanos manages to gain purchases of Medusa's living locks and hurls her toward the armored Avenger!

The collision throws War Machine's targeting off, sending a wayward missile into the chest of She-Hulk! The Colonel moves in to check on his friendly fire victim, letting his guard down for just a moment -- a fatal decision!

Thanos seizes his opportunity -- rushing through flames to drive his massive fist into the armored but prone mid-section of War Machine! A killing blow!

As Captain Marvel and Black Panther watch on in horror, Thanos turns to his opponents with a sinister grin and demands his Cosmic Cube. They respond.

Captain Marvel, Spectrum, and Blue Marvel launch an all-out assault! Their awesome powers create a wall of energy that hammers the Titan from all sides!

For a moment he faces into Captain Marvel's raw power, stumbles into Dazzler's pink bursts, feels Black Panther's claws slice at the back of his neck, is caught from behind by Blue Marvel's force bolts, takes Spectrum's best to his face!

The devastating gauntlet leaves Thanos a stumbling, smoldering mess. He has no defense as Captain Marvel moves in to deliver a devastating uppercut!

The finishing blow launches Thanos across the battlefield, leaving him lying unconscious amidst the flames. Captain Marvel rushes to cradle a bloodied War Machine. Black Panther & Blue Marvel tend to a barely breathing She-Hulk.

The Hammer...
The Avengers defeated Thanos, but at what price comes victory? War Machine is dead, and She-Hulk in critical condition! Such dire stakes can only signal the beginning of yet another major Marvel Comics event...

I come into this one with some pretty strong biases. Ten years removed from the gratuitous murder of Goliath in Civil War #4 -- the novelty has long since lost its flavor. By this point, I'm largely beyond caring about the majority of crossover events, let alone their obligatory superhero deaths.

Truth be told, the bloom was off the rose for Marvel's blockbusters by the time Siege rolled out in 2010. That story functioned as a reunion of Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor, mopping up lingering consequences of the original Civil War, specifically its villain-centric aftermath: the period known as "Dark Reign".

Dark Reign had been a refreshing exploration of ideas organically grandfathered in through the post-Civil War and Secret Invasion landscapes. It was anchored around monthly Avengers titles, rather than a single dedicated event-series. Sadly, Siege was to bring that pleasing break in action to a much-hyped end.

Siege ultimately cobbled together mayhem and carnage in four unfortunately lackluster key issues, and various focused tie-ins. It played like a perfunctory ticking of two to three major editorial boxes, most notably: The removal of Norman Osborn as Marvel's ultimate arch-villain, and the emphatic killing of The Sentry, which reads like a meta-textual in-joke. Even with a reduced four issue core, these simple beats couldn't sustain a series, resulting in a messy, joyless counterpart to DC's better built, superhero war-time smorgasbord of Final Crisis.

The palpable tedium of Siege should've seen Marvel close the door on events for a fair while, but instead, the publisher went into event overdrive in the years that followed. It hasn't even been a decade since Siege -- yet Cap, Iron Man, and Thor have all been split-up, pitted against heroes, maimed, and killed more than once! Only to reenact another mock reunion before doing it all over again.

They've shared the 'death bench' with many high-profile heroes in that time, all of whom died and returned within a couple of years. The endless cycle of kill, rinse, repeat leaving the Marvel Universe stinking of its own meaningless decay.

Civil War itself was an obvious template for many of these deaths and event series, which made it even more difficult to feel like a 10th anniversary sequel was worth the while. In 2016 it was a major motion sequel to Captain America: The Winter Soldier. How can I miss Civil War if it never goes away?

No surprises then that I'm still not very interested in Civil War II's hero-on-hero conflict, or the Inhumans-fuelled take on Minority Report. Here comes the twist, however. because I've got to say the Free Comic Book Day launch issue is actually a very satisfying read!

It would, of course, be foolish to assume macro grievances belie any quality publishing. There's usually something to like on the bill. In this case, time away from Marvel's jumbled brands, and bloodthirsty event schedule, probably helped enhance the simple pleasures that make FCBD Civil War II #1 so enjoyable.

The pros are easily distilled: It starts with some nice character interaction, lays the groundwork for the moral quandary ahead, and features a big battle with an A-list villain that goes to conclusion. It's a pretty satisfying done-in-one read!

There are obvious questions left to be answered, but the FCBD issue avoids reading like a trailer for coming attractions. Impressive, since that's really the primary function these promotional free issues serve.

For a lapsed reader, some of the fun is simply in seeing old favourites together again. I got a real kick out of seeing FF alum She-Hulk, Human Torch, Medusa, and Black Panther together again, and kicking ass. Most get their moment.

As alluded to in The Tape; this was a period of Marvel history where corporate malevolence, and editorial malaise, had led a lot of established brands to erode meaning. This isn't technically an Avengers assembly, so much as a gathering of representatives of The Ultimates, A-Force, and Inhumans. The fact that these divisions are essentially meaningless is actually helpful in an isolated case.

Jim Cheung does a great job delivering the action that comprises the majority of the piece. Each character gets their moment in clear sequence, with big action beats given room to shine. There's a tremendous sense of space and reality, but with that comes both good and bad. It's easy to track what's going on, but it sometimes feels a little small scale. The intense, inescapable red/blue palette also contributes to an impression of a murky lot of one thing in one place.

Movie stardom means Thanos is as strong as ever, even though he's here to be the fall guy. It was a little weird that he comes in looking like Cable with guns strapped all over his body. I don't think that's a visual joke about Josh Brolin's dual live-action roles, but you never know. It doesn't matter much, as Thanos is quickly forced to fend for himself, sans cannons. He puts up a helluva fight, but after several years of promotional exploitation, he was ripe for being beaten in the prologue.

Of the lineup present to arrest Thanos, it makes good sense that Captain Marvel gets the knock-out blow. You could make a case for other characters, but she's the best equipped, and most primed to take the story forward. I don't know how well her conflict with Iron Man stands up to Cap's in 2006, but the fact it isn't simply a straight repeat of the earlier disagreement is appreciated.

I didn't know Carol Danvers had a romantic relationship with War Machine prior to reading this. Given their affiliations with Tony Stark, and history as military personnel, it seems like a pretty natural coupling. It's dangled unsubtly in the first few pages, milked to provide extra emotional context for what's coming.

I'd be lying if I said there was any real joy in witnessing the death of War Machine. Cheung is asked to convey a precise misstep in motion, and the net result makes War Machine look a little silly. The fact that the killing blow comes from a villain as credible as Thanos helps mitigate the goofiness. Without that, it flirts with the unintentional comedy of Hawkeye's needless self-sacrifice in the earlier Avengers Disassembled. Ultimately, tangled hair and bumping into a teammate is a pretty undignified end for a seasoned hero like War Machine.

Ten years on from Civil War, they seem to be trading on a character of greater notoriety than Goliath, but to what end? Frankly, it seems like a transparent decision to remove one African-American Iron Man alternate, to make way for a new one, the future Ironheart.

The race of the two Civil Wars fatalities may be coincidence, but as the latter participates in clumsy efforts to address the imbalance of representation, the self-defeating fallacy of the decision becomes all the more clear. Indelicate decisions like these only hobbled efforts to introduce a new generation of diverse young heroes, mortgaging the past for an unearned future.

War Machine had long, frustrating lulls of inaction throughout his published history, but remained grounded by those early stories that built a relationship with Tony Stark, and the Avengers. It always seemed there was plenty more to do with the character.

Given Tony Stark was destined to be the major scalp for Civil War II, the potential for Rhodey to continue to play a natural role in the development of Ironheart just seems obvious. They would both be scarred by his demise. The emergence of a new armored hero would naturally draw Rhodey back to action. His potential as a mentor figure would then seem natural more than cliché, building Riri Williams a strong foundation in the Marvel Universe. Oh well!

Want to put the pieces into greater context for yourself? You can pick up a trade paperback of Civil War II, which includes the Free Comic Book Day special and complete mini-series! Shop using the Amazon link embedded and they'll support the site at no cost to you! Who could possibly go to war over that?

Think I need to take a closer look at the rest of Civil War II? Let me know in the comments, or while you're following Secret Wars on Infinite Earths on Twitter and Facebook. There, you'll also find daily links to fights inspired by the topics of the day! You can also deep dive into the Secret Archive to discover more!

We always finish with the verdict and rankings update. Captain Marvel clearly delivered the knock-out blow, but under examination, a team effort kept Thanos off balance, and led to his defeat. So the win is shared.

Winners: Captain Marvel, Spectrum, Blue Marvel, Black Panther, Dazzler, She-Hulk & Human Torch (w/ War Machine, Ms. America, Medusa & Crystal)
#45 (+28) Captain Marvel (Carol Danvers)
#12 (+2) Human Torch
#37 (+14) Black Panther
#134 (+260) She-Hulk
#151 (+281) Spectrum (Monica Rambeau)
#174 (+305) Dazzler
#327 (new) Blue Marvel
#124 (+1) War Machine [+1 assist]
#344 (+5) Medusa [+1 assist]
#434 (-1) Crystal [+1 assist]
#558 (new) Ms. America (America Chavez) [+1 assist]
#10 (-1) Thanos [+1 kill]

HUMAN TORCH versus SPIDER-MAN
A Day at the Races (Marvel comics)
Where: Fantastic Four #543 When: January 2007
Why: Paul Pope How: Paul Pope

The story so far...
Famous glamour boy and superhero, Johnny Storm, is heading down to the weekend racetrack to tear up the track in his custom hotrod, which is a good thing too!

Peter Parker, ever at the mercy of his Daily Bugle boss, J. Jonah Jameson, has orders to bring in new photos of Spider-man as well as commercial newsgrabbers like the flaming hothead from the Fantastic Four!

Looking for a better vantage point for shots of the race, Parker hits the webs as Spider-man, but when Johnny spots him from the racetrack, it looks like it's more than rubber that's going to get burned! Let the rivalry continue!

Previous Form:
Spider-man (#1): Recent victories over the likes of Rhino, Shocker & Green Goblin.
Human Torch (#13): Aided Spidey in defeating Mysterio, Wingless Wizard & the Sinister Twelve.

Tale of the tape...
Strength: Spider-man 5 (Super Strength)
Intelligence: Spider-man 5 (Professor)
Speed: Spider-man 4 (Olympian)
Stamina: Spider-man 5 (Marathon Man)
Agility: Spider-man 5 (Cat-like)
Fighting Ability: Human Torch 3 (Street Wise)
Energy Powers: Human Torch 7 (Solar Power)


I know, I know! More Spider-man! Hey, it's not like Spidey isn't a hot favourite right now with the readers, but in my defense, I picked the FF features before Web-Slinging Wednesdays kicked off, so I didn't at all anticipate the sheer saturation of the character. To those arachnaphobes out there, an advanced apology!

So, there's the matter of a little thing we all like to call the tape!

There's always those result changing details that are unique to certain combinations of characters. The things that aren't rated by the patented, ever-reliable Haseloff system. Things like certain chemistry and rivalries between pairs of heroes and villains that bring history and emotions into it.

So, those of you coming out of the theatres still chuckling over the antics of Johnny Storm and his rocky pal, the Thing. Imagine the friendly rivalry between those two, and then make it a little bit more bitter, and you'll roughly have the relationship between the Human Torch and Spider-man.

They were both two of the youngest heroes to come from the 1960s modern era of Marvel comics, and they've both gone a ways to grow-up, but when they get together, you're never quite sure if all that maturing will be for naught.

At the end of any day, Human Torch's fantastic fire powers make him a pretty tricky adversary for Spidey. Special concoctions aside, he can burn-up Spidey's synthetic webbing, as well as any part of him, should Spidey go close-quarters.

No matter how heated their confrontations get, you can usually count on Johnny being the decent human being. He's not about to reduce Spidey to smouldering ash, or put him in the burns ward, but that doesn't mean victory isn't his.

It generally comes down to the practical jokes with these two, and that's where the trusty Haseloff system comes good again. Y'see, Spidey's a natural born prankster, and the tape clearly shows it: He can scale any type of surface with ease, giving him an all-access pass to just about anywhere, and an easy and silent escape route.

Plus, Spidey's got that freaky agility for hiding things in hard-to-reach places -- and his spidey-senses ensure any prank will be set-up with ninja-like precision, because nobody can walk-in at an unexpected moment and bust him!

So, after all that? Well, it's probably fair to say in a fight it's fifty-fifty, but for the sake of the argument, I guess I'll make my call...

The Math: Spider-man (Meta Class)
The Pick: Human Torch

What went down...
Getting shoved around like a schmuck in the adoring crowd, Peter Parker tries desperately to get a shot of Johnny Storm and his entourage of Wyatt Wingfoot, Crystal and Gorgon, Johnny's Inhuman girlfriend and her royal guard.
Spying a radio tower, like any good Spider-man, he gets an idea... Big mistake!

Literally burning with rage, a miffed Johnny Storm bursts into flames upon spotting Spider-man, reducing his custom wheels to high-priced slag!
With his spider-senses alerting him of the danger, Spidey begins to swing down toward the track, but quickly regrets it.

The Human Torch circles Spidey leaving a trail of flames, promising to burn the mask from his face as soon as he puts out the hazardous fire from his car.
Using his cosmic-borne powers, Johnny sucks up the flames from the vehicle, and quickly goes about redirecting it toward the red and blue wall-crawler!

Spidey leaps and bounces around the on-coming racecars, as the Human Torch follows in the air blasting flame in a rage.

The Torch hits the ground, and catches Spidey in a swirling array of fire streams, but with the proportionate agility of a spider, Spidey leaps out of it in a dashing action pose -- great for the camera!

Flying around above the racing cars as they come around for another lap, Spidey does his best to further dodge the swirling assault of the Human Torch, and his deadly fireball projectiles of doom!

Feeling the all too serious burn of the Torch's flames, Spidey heads for the crowd, hoping to give the hothead a chance to cool off. Spider-man comes to a crouched landing at the feet of Crystal, inciting the Torch's further jealousy.

He rattles of a barrage of fireballs, which Spider-man easily deflects with a quick-smart web shield, but his cocky retort is short lived. Spidey mocks the attack as all too familiar, but this time it provides an unceremonious distraction...

His vision impaired by his trusty web-shield, Spidey is caught unawares by the Human Torch's incoming swooping boot attack! Mmm, tastes like burnt rubber!

Before the fight can continue, Crystal interjects, berating her flaming boyfriend.

"Hey, Butane-Breath, ever notice our fights always end with some sensible blonde tellin' us to cool it? Why don't we just take her advice and call it game-and-match?"

And as the Human Torch flames down and agrees, a peaceful resolution seems to have been reached, until... As they move to shake hands, Johnny Storm pulls his hand out at the last minute in a blaze of spitefilled glory!

And as Spidey web-swings away, "I'd join the Girl Scouts before I'd join any group that had you as a member, Popcorn!" And the next day, the Thing is able to pick up the baton at the breakfast table, reciting the headline, "Human Torch Wreckes Priceless Sports Car in Track Mishap, Disrupts Formula Race -- Pictures on Page Six."

The hammer...
No! Not a dream! Not an imagined story!
As Uatu so rightly proclaimed, it is in fact, a draw!

If you're looking for more Spidey/Human Torch odd couple fun you might like to check out their reviewed battle with Mysterio and the Wingless Wizard! [Amazing Spider-man Annual #4]

I had a few choices for the Human Torch when it came to solo battles, but I decided to go with this one; A) because it was the 45th anniversary issue spectacular, and B) because it represented something we haven't seen a lot of on Secret Earths, and that's the friendly rivalry.

The hero-on-hero fights are often the most popular on the site, but many of them revolve around much flimsier storytelling techniques like cosmic mandates, and cases of mistaken/misunderstood identity. This story, however, harkens back to the good old days of a Stan Lee style friendly rivalry, where two heroes could just legitimately rag on each other, even if it meant making up at the end to do the right thing for the good of mankind.

In some ways, this is perhaps the entry that will most resonate with the fans of Return of the Silver Surfer and the first movie, which hold the comedic timing of the FF and playful family dynamic as their strongest positives.
Hopefully through Fantastic Fridays we've been able to take a look over several of the familiar faces of the Fanatstic Four branding. Fun for fans new and old, and a positive entry point for those of you coming from the movie.

I mentioned elsewhere that one of the most surprising things about the new FF movie has been the lack of traffic it's generarted for us. Spider-man 3 and the Web-Slinging Wednesdays series brought in a barrage of hits, with many of you interested in facts and fun relating to Spidey, Sandman, and in particular, Venom!

Even the space faring Silver Surfer has struggled to attract the interests, which really makes you wonder about the appeal of these movies. I suppose the first movie proposed a strong demonstration of the mainstream appeal of superhero films, with many of the comics reading fans less than pleased with the treatment. I myself didn't see it until quite some time after release, on rental from Blockbuster no less, and I wasn't thrilled, either.

Even so, the film grossed over three times it's budget, putting an end to a box office slump at the time, and the expectant criticisms of many film critics and fanboys. Perhaps the strongest argument for the film's success would be the family contingent, with children presumably the driving force behind the success.

Which is something the Fantastic Four have always been good for.
During my childhood reading comics, the FF were always among the favourites, and maybe from this we can take a step back from the grim and gritty, ultra realism of other properties, and remember that the readers we so keenly seek, may want an opportunity to experience these properties like we did.

Even if most would have to agree, the film represents the greatest faux pas in comic film history. Dr. Doom represents one of the greatest villains of all time, lording even over big screen big bad, Darth Vader, a character the good Doctor is well known for having influenced. That's probably a discussion for the fifth Friday, though.

The Fight: 5 The Issue: 5.5

MARVEL ZOMBIES versus SILVER SURFER
Marvel Zombies (Marvel comics)
Where: Marvel Zombies #3 When: April 2006
Why: Robert Kirkman How: Sean Phillips

The story so far...
In the universe dubbed 2149, heroes and villains are no longer of any relevant concern. However, this is not a reality of uptopian peace and harmony among man.
The super powered heroes and villains of the Marvel universe have simply become infectious walking dead -- zombies!

With humanity all but exterminated, and the efforts of the genius zombified Reed Richards having been foiled by his alternate counterpart, the zombies are tortured by their lust for fresh meat.

Their undead prayers are soon answered with the arrival of a chrome skinned spaceman called the Silver Surfer, who warns of the coming of the great devourer, but they've got news for him: HE'S the one that's going to get devoured!

Previous Form:
Silver Surfer (#28): Silver Surfer had a victory over Green Lantern, Kyle Rayner.
Marvel Zombies: They ate Magneto...

Tale of the tape...
Strength: Hulk 6 (Invincible)
Intelligence: Giant-Man 6 (Genius)
Speed: Nova 7 (Light Speed)
Stamina: Silver Surfer 6 (Generator)
Agility: Spider-man 5 (Cat-like)
Fighting Ability: Wolverine 6 (Warrior)
Energy Powers: Silver Surfer 7 (Solar Power)


Ah, well, here we are again, approaching once more the monumental task of one unfortunate against the ravenous league of the Marvel Zombies. No, not the fans! The infected heroes and villains of the title of the same name.

Our format has changed considerably since the last time we did this [Marvel Zombies #1], and because of that, I feel the need to at least clarify the roster of zombified characters we are dealing with. They are as follows: Iron Man, Nova, Vulture, Falcon, Storm, Thor, Moon Knight, Black Bolt, Captain Marvel, Daredevil, Iron Fist, Wolverine, Angel, Captain America, Sub-Mariner, Crystal, Gambit, Ghost Rider, Speedball, Deadpool, Black Widow, Giant-Man, Spider-man, Hulk, Beast, Hercules and Power Man, Luke Cage.

That's twenty-seven zombie characters all up!
A pretty big ask for even the Silver Surfer, whose power cosmic provides a wide array of strengths and abilities.

A few people, in response to the Rise of the Silver Surfer trailer have expressed explicit confusion about the nature of the character's abilities. To clarify some of that (and hopefully make this section less boring than usual), the Surfer does not phase through objects.
At least, not in such bland terms. "Phasing" is an expression I would limit to a Kitty Pryde, whose chief ability relates to intangibility and passing through objects.

At various stages the extent of Silver Surfer's cosmic powers have been explored, highlighting his abilities on a molecular and atomic level. So, as far as passing through buildings and buses and whatnot, he's less "phasing" than he is displaying his brisk harmony with the universe, and molecular manipulation.
Given some time and energy, he could probably turn lead into gold, too.

So, against an army of Marvel Zombies, does this come in handy?
Maybe, but it isn't one of his chief abilities and requires some effort, so he's not about to try to turn Iron Fist into cheese mid-fight. He's more likely, as I'm sure you're about to see, mow them down with raw blasts of cosmic energy.

Since even Wolverine has been ravaged by the degenerative qualities of this particular brand of zombie-ism, it's safe to say the Surfer has a great chance of coming out on top here. That said, many of them retain their offensive powers, which does pose a problem.

I guess at the end of this we just have to look at it as one for the fans. Cheap!

The Math: Marvel Zombies (Total) Silver Surfer (Average)
The Pick: The Silver Surfer

What went down...
Trust the math to cop-out and pick both sides!
Things kick off from the opening of this action-packed issue! A zombified Tony Stark [pictured above] leads the charge, with various other flying characters hovering around for a taste of the action.

Not one for emotion at the best of times, and not really used to people doing anything but cower in fear in his presence, Silver Surfer meets their challenge willingly. His cosmic plast tears through Iron Man's armor with ease, shredding his decaying body at the waist.

The airborne torso manages to snag the Surfer's board and leg, while the Vulture and Nova swing around for a bite of the cherry. They provide sufficient interference to pull the Surfer's cosmic blast off course.
It narrowly misses Stark's head, leaving him free to ravenously attempt to take a bite out of the chrome thigh before him. His teeth chip on the cosmic wrap, much to the Surfer's stoic disgust.

"In all my travels -- I have never encountered such creatures!"
He frees himself of the full nelson, and fires off devestating blasts at Nova and Captain Mar-Vell, penetrating gut and face respectively.

A lurking Thor makes his presence known, swinging his mighty hammer Mjolnir with a thundering KROOM!
The force of the blow knocks the Silver Surfer from his board, but likewise shatters the stone head of the Asgardian hammer. Perhaps the barer was no long worthy...

Landing hard on the apocalyptic street level below, the harbinger from space finds himself with many more abominations to contend with.

Colonel America leads the charge, promising double rations to the man or woman who makes the kill. Something easier said than done. The Vulture and Moon Knight each take the brunt of cosmic blasts, followed by Namor, and Falcon.

Charging through some of the other street level characters, Wolverine declares his intentions, but is quickly embarrassed.
The mutant takes a swipe with his adamantium claws, but while the skeleton is willing, the flesh is weak. His claws and forearm tear straight through his failing skin and flesh as he strikes the Surfer's sturdy chest.

With his healing factor unable to fight the decomposition, and no ligaments to contain his adamantium laced bones, Wolverine trims the fat. With his good arm, he slices away at the exposed bones and ragged edges of torn skin and muscle.
At this time, he feels a tap at his ankle.

The upper torso of Iron Man asks Wolverine for a lift, and with his one good arm, he's all too happy to oblige a fastball special.

Iron Man hurtles through the falling and fighting bodies of Speedball, Ghost Rider, Deadpool and others, as Gambit's disembodied head floats across the battlefield. Giant-Man arrives from his lab in time to witness the slaughter, and remains content to hideout in the shadows of the alleyways for the time being.

Meanwhile, on the sidelines, Bruce Banner and Spider-man are both carrying prominent injuries. Banner, with a hole in his gut, feels the hunger gnawing, while Spidey metaphorically gnaws at himself, relieving his body of a useless, dangling leg. By then, Banner is no more, and Hulk has entered the fight.

Don't make him hungry. You wouldn't like him when he's hungry!

The Surfer continues to expell his energies, fending off the never-ending physical onslaught of the zombie armada.

Beast, Black Bolt and others are tossed aside as the rampaging Hulk charges at the first signs of food! He snatches the Surfer from Beast's grip, and scoops him up valiantly in a cradle, declaring "the silver man" as his.

The Surfer has other ideas, firing off a double barrelled blast of cosmic energy at point blank. The gambit is enough to free him from the green goliath's grip, and gives him an opportunity to reunite with his surfboard.

With Colonel America and others in pirsuit, it is again the Hulk who gets the benefit of the alien. Hulk's mighty leap sees him landing atop the chrome herald, forcing them again away from the intergalactic surfboard.

Furious about the damage suffered at the Surfer's blast; a charred face Hulk, seething with strength, guarantees the Silver Surfer regret his resistence.

The Hulk's teeth and jaws prove powerful enough to penetrate the Silver Surfer's hardy exterior. He crunches down, biting the head off like a crazed rockstar.
The cosmic energies housed within spew forth from both the Hulk's mouth, and the gaping neck of the gleeming herald to Galactus.

Giant-Man steps out of the shadows to give Iron Man and Spidey a helping hand toward the feeding. Thor, Wolverine, Powerman and Colonel America are all quick to get their fill, before having the torn body snatched away by Giant-Man.

As things start to get nasty amongst the squabbling zombies, Colonel America makes the discovery that they have inherited some of the Surfer's power by feasting on his chromed flesh. He does so by blasting Beast's objecting head off.

The hammer...
Is there any way being eaten could make you the victor? With the killing blow struck by the Hulk, I declare the Marvel Zombies victorious! Assists for all, with Hulk picking up the kill!

I've probably gone a bit generous on this one. There were a few characters thrown in there getting the assist who really weren't seen to be all that effective. Crystal shows up for a single panel, as best as I can recall at 2:30am.
There's some implication that Gambit is about to do something pretty spectacular, but the biggest scenes for the Cajun are being blasted through the chest, and his decapitated head being thrown across the background.

Still, I guess thems the breaks when we dare to do these BIG superhero battles on Secret Earths. They're usually a bit of fun to read, but when it comes to recapping and judging, it can be a bit of a pain in the ol' arse, if I may say so.

A lot of love being thrown the Marvel Zombies way again with the recent Army of Darkness vs Marvel Zombies mini-series.
I haven't had the chance to pick up any issues yet, but I do have one distinct problem with the project. No, it's not the longevity of the concept, and it isn't anything to do with burning sacred cows. It's the longterm logic of it.

As near as I can tell, the series is set before this particular mini we reviewed here today [Marvel Zombies], but that means Ash and the Army of Darkness intellectual properties, rights and trademarks are being tied into something that will inevitably outlast any agreement between the involved parties.
So not only do you have a concept from an unrelated medium impeding on proceedings, but there's the real likelihood that it will prevent any canonical reference to this period of the past.

Of course, I might be scaremongering there. It might not really matter, and certainly for the on-going adventures of the Marvel Zombies, I can't imagine it will. I'm very much looking forward to the upcoming storyarc with Black Panther and the new Fantastic Four.

Dramatic resonances of the Black Panther involvement aside [BP is a surviving human in Marvel Zombies], I just think it's a nice change of pace to be seeing quirky concepts like this being drifted toward the 'serious' business.
It could very easily overstay it's welcome, and cross into in-your-face mundanity, but for the time being I watch with interest.

On another related note -- if you backtrack through the downing of what went, you'll notice during Thor's moment of glory I made reference to Mjolnir.
The hammer explodes upon impact with the Surfer, which isn't really what Mjolnir is known for in the regular universe, so it potentially answers a question I would have asked: -- Is zombie Thor still worthy of lifting the enchanted hammer?

I guess you could theorize that deep-down he is worthy, and that the spell is somewhat robotic or mechanical in it's determination. You could extrapolate to come up with some sort of meta-mystic theory that the hammer shattered because it was weakened byproxy by the infection.
Or you could just say it was a fun moment, with a bit of creative oversight.

Certainly, despite an upcoming prequel, the series does not feel like something carefully crafted and built atop lengthy planning. Which is where some of my concerns for the Zombies franchise enter the picture, but we'll burn it as it comes.

Ah, we can also harken back to a discussion had previously [What if...? #24], where I asked how Wolverine, healing factor and all, could be infected to begin with. Apparently the proposition here is that the zombie infection has simply overpowered his regenerative capabilities.
It's a simple solution, but I can't help but think it isn't what I'd go with...

Well, it's getting late and I'm probably minutes away from getting incoherrent, so I'll wrap it up here. Stay tuned for next week when we wrap up with a MAJOR finale for What If Wednesdays, and fight out where we're going next in the May Punch-Up! Cheers!

The Fight: 5 The Issue: 5.5