MARVEL WOMAN & THE FALLEN versus GREEN GOBLIN & MAN-SPIDER

Goblins in the Night (Marvel)
Where: Mutant X #5 When: February 1999
Why: Howard Mackie How: Tom Raney

The Story So Far...
Panic fills the streets of Manhattan as an army of goblin creatures spread terror at the command of The Green Goblin! Just another nasty surprise from the alternate reality that has become Havok's new home!

In truth they are merely genetically-engineered frauds -- but Norman Osborn's gang war has brought the fear of dark magic back to a world that thought the nightmare hand ended long ago!

All things occult & mystical were locked away in response to this world's harrowing "Strange Debacle", but now a once complacent populous renews unwanted attention that threatens the dark secrets of The Goblin Queen! While Madelyne Pryor fights in the streets as The Six's Marvel Woman, she plots a far darker response to this incursion upon her demonic domain!

Tale of the Tape...
Strength: Spider-Man 5 (Super-Human)
Intelligence: Green Goblin 5 (Professor)
Speed: Spider-Man 4 (Olympian)
Stamina: Spider-Man 5 (Marathoner)
Agility: Spider-Man 5 (Cat-Like)
Fighting: Angel 4 (Trained)
Energy: Madelyne Pryor 5 (Lasers)
Total: Spider-Man 29 (Metahuman)

Marvel Woman and The Fallen might not sound familiar by those names, but you should recognize them as Madelyne Pryor and Warren Worthington III!

In the mainline Marvel Universe they're an ill-fated clone of Jean Grey, and original X-Man, Angel, but in the alternate reality of Mutant X -- also known as Earth-1298 -- they're sinister members of Earth's premier super-team: The Six!

True to the original: Madelyne Pryor was created by Mister Sinister to give birth to the ultimate mutant by procreating with the Summers line. In the world of Mutant X there was no Cyclops (on Earth), so her affair with Alex "Havok" Summers led to marriage, a son, and the reformation of X-Factor as The Six.

Madelyne possesses latent psychic & telekinetic abilities similar to Jean Grey's, but her true power comes from a deal with a demon that granted her command of dark magics and all that lurks in the shadows as The Goblin Queen.

That influence includes holding sway over The Fallen, who is the irrevocably dark-spirited transformation of Angel: a bat-winged horseman of death more terrifying than the Archangel created by Apocalypse in the main Marvel Universe.

Having more than just a bad attitude and merciless vindictive streak, this pale-skinned incarnation of Warren Worthington III can also breathe fire, and has talon-like finger tips capable of ripping through flesh.

This all spells bad news for Norman Osborn, whose persona as the Green Goblin has gone so far as to create a legion of genetically-engineered goblin-like creatures who do his bidding in his efforts to seize control of New York City's criminal underground. The creatures specifically prey upon this world's fear of all things magic -- outlawed and eradicated after "The Strange Debacle".

He remains a nemesis of the six-armed Man-Spider, who is this world's clone-saddled Peter Parker, possessing all the usual skills you would expect of Spider-Man, albeit with the six arms he shed shortly after growing them.

Man-Spider enters the battle presuming the heroic Six are in lockstep, but you and I know that's not the case. His history with Norman Osborn won't make them bosom buddies any time soon, but can they turn the tables on Goblin Queen and The Fallen? We know the players. I guess we should find out what happened!

The Tape: Green Goblin & Man-Spider Ranking: Angel (#50)

What Went Down...

Entering the darkened Bugle, The Goblin Queen can sense that the charlatan Green Goblin is somewhere in the building. She orders her minion The Fallen to find "the false one" -- but a volley of pumpkin bombs finds him instead!

The Green Goblin rides his glider around the cavernous ceiling, mocking Madlyne Pryor for her apparent whole-hearted belief in the supernatural hocus pocus he merely appropriated for the creation of his criminal persona.

Osborn rides his glider toward The Goblin Queen with a razor bat in his hand, undeterred by her accusation that his genetically engineered facsimiles have brought undue attention to the real underworld denizens she controls.

Before the dueling Goblin leaders can meet -- two strands of web snag the bat!

Man-Spider descends between them, ensnaring Green Goblin with three more strands of webbing slung from his many extra limbs!

A web-swinging kick takes Norman Osborn clean off his board -- with a two-fisted double-punch delivered on landing to keep the Green Goblin down.

Man-Spider webs the crafty villain's hands together and vows to out him to J Jonah Jameson and The Daily Bugle press, but this only seems to incite a glowing fury in Madelyne Pryor.

The web-slinger is completely baffled as she lets out a shrieking cry and begins to glow with green energy. He assures her everything is under control, but the Man-Spider has no idea how wrong he is.

Quick consultation with The Green Goblin does little to dissuade the Man-Spider's confidence in his ability to handle the situation -- even as Osborn pleads for his life: "Fool! Can't you see it? She is insane. There is murder in her eyes. Now unbind me, so I might have a fighting chance."

The Goblin Queen orders the spider to stand aside so she can execute the "false goblin". When Man-Spider tries to talk her down, reminding her that they're the good guys, she renders her resignation with a blast of supernatural energy!

A stunned Man-Spider is staggered physically and mentally by the attack.

Osborn continues to plead for his release, while The Goblin Queen recounts the world's severe rejection of all things arcane and mystic since "The Strange Debacle", and the complacency that had built up in her favour -- until the Green Goblin's theatrics renewed the populace's fear.

She sneers at Man-Spider's assertion that nobody will die this night as Green Goblin continues to plead for his life.

Man-Spider attempts to use his webs to hold The Goblin Queen to account, but The Fallen seers them with his spewing flame -- and slashes his talons across the hero's chest!

The room fills with eerie green supernatural light as The Goblin Queen's magic whisks the injure Man-Spider and Green Goblin from the ground and levitates them in the middle of the room.

She peels away The Green Goblin's mask, to expose the true face of Norman Osborn for execution. Then she conjures two glowing green pincer claws.

The Brute arrives upon the horrifying scene just in time to witness The Green Goblin and Man-Spider beheaded by his teammate.

He lets out a horrified objection as the bodies fall to the ground -- and Madlyne Pryor's descent into demonic darkness is completed.

The Hammer...

A grim turn of events as the heroes of the Mutant X universe show their true colours away from prying eyes. The rest of the world will continue to believe Madelyne Pryor and The Fallen are heroes, parlaying their guilt to the child-like Brute, who takes the rap for the double-murder after a brief skirmish & chase.

Not quite the introduction to Mutant X I expected for the site, but a tantalizing one as Marvel announce Madelyne Pryor & Archangel's entry into the Dark X-Men, and we gear up for more multiversal web-slinging in Across The Spider-Verse.

If I'm honest: I'm actually incredibly soured by cinema's cheap and simplistic ringing out of the "multiverse" concept, seemingly facilitated by the last decade of comics using the concept for haphazard, flimsy thrills.

The relative instability of a mainline reality has dramatically diminished the appeal of alternate universes. It seems like just getting one version right has become challenge enough, let alone polluting the waters with disproportionately sincere entries into stories like Secret Empire, or the brand-tainting 2015 Secret Wars.

All of that said: there was a time when exploring the multiverse held great appeal, and it's a lot more fun talking about the ones worth remembering than the ones that turn my stomach!

Of course, a lot of comic book fans have some story about reading their way through illness or injury, and a fat stack of Mutant X issues was exactly what got me through a pretty grim stomach-turning health scare in 2001. That, and a live performance by Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros on Letterman. Good stuff!

I already had a handful of issues from the first couple of years of Mutant X. Its fabled place in my personal history came at a time of otherwise downturn in comic book reading. Other interests were taking hold, and maybe the comics of the turn of the millennium weren't so great. Then again, maybe they were.

You might relate the intrigue of Mutant X to the earlier Age of Apocalypse, but that's only seeing it for the X-Men focused alternate reality it presented.

I might try to compare Mutant X to the universe-hopping of Exiles with its team of central characters and broader scope, but that's wrong as well.

Mutant X was an on-going series starring Havok. Ostensibly the continuation and relaunch of X-Factor, which had already undergone three distinct eras, and ended in 1998 with X-Factor #149 and Havok's apparent death. A cliffhanger resolved one Twlight Zone twist later when he finds himself inside the body of an Alex Summers living his best life as father of li'l Scotty, and leader of the universally beloved super-team The Six in a world that doesn't fear or hate mutants.

Like the world of a classic issue of What If...?, Mutant X is filled with dark and morose twists, none more evident than the members of The Six themselves:

There's seemingly no Jean Grey in this reality, instead finding Madelyne Pryor continuing her tenure as an ill fitted replacement. Angel was transformed into a more vile and evil creature by Apocalypse; Henry McCoy continued experimenting on himself until he devolved into a green, hoofed Brute; Storm never recovered from Dracula's bite, becoming the vampiric Bloodstorm; and Ice Man never regained control of his powers after tampering by Loki.

A big part of the appeal of the series then becomes discovering how this altered version of the Marvel Universe has affected other characters, doubling the fun with interesting guest villains and heroes both.

A lot of examples trade on iconic stories and moments from Marvel history, and in the case of the murdered Man-Spider -- he not only retains the six-armed mutation famous from Amazing Spider-Man #101, but also turns out to be the spider-clone when the real Man-Spider testifies at the trial for his murder!

The whole episode, "goblin clones" included, appears to trade on the still recent Clone Saga, death of Ben Reilly, and return of Norman Osborn, who'd been presumed dead since famously being impaled on his own glider in 1973's Amazing Spider-Man #122. An ailment he recovered from to return to print in 1996.

With rare exception we file character "divergents" (alternate reality versions) under the main character, so for that reason we'll infer the deceased Man-Spider is tantamount to original Spider-Clone, Ben Reilly. Despite his significant differences we'll also put The Fallen under the Angel tag, even though this Warren Worthington III makes for one of the most compelling variants of the series.

If you'd like to see further spotlights on this world and its characters you can help make that happen by becoming a supporter on Patreon! As a thank you for making this reality more livable, you'll receive access to additional updates, a direct Discord line, and tier options to customize content including sponsored updates and future Rank & File Top 10 entries!

Secret Wars on Infinite Earths has featured more than 700 battles and ranked well over 1,000 characters! Find the entire multiverse, and future entries, by following topics linked throughout this post, or by diving into the Secret Archive for an index of featured fights in order of publisher, series, and issue number.

Get free daily links to fights inspired by the topics of the day by subscribing to Twitter and Facebook, or by becoming a freebie follower on Patreon. Don't forget to smash that like, fave, and share -- and keep your eyes peeled for the week's top trending battles every Sunday on Twitter & Patreon!

Winners: Goblin Queen & The Fallen
#204 (new) Madelyne Pryor [+2 kills]
#39 (+11) Angel (The Fallen)
#75 (-7) Scarlet Spider (Man-Spider)
#1050 (-12) Green Goblin (Norman Osborn)

Hero of the Week #16: Iron Patriot

IRON PATRIOT (Marvel)
Real Name: Norman Osborn
First Appearance: Amazing Spider-man #14 (July, 1964)
Group Affiliation: H.A.M.M.E.R, The Avengers, Thunderbolts, The Cabal
Gaming Credentials: Spider-man (2000); Ultimate Spider-man (2005); Spider-man: Battle for New York (2006); Spider-man: Friend or Foe (2007); Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2 (2009); Marvel Super Hero Squad (TBA)
Infinite Wars Cumulative Ranking: #759

With the release of Marvel: Ultimate Alliance 2, we've all been reliving the fun of picking sides for the superhero Civil War. I went with Iron Man (over Captain America), but what if we didn't have to choose? What if we could have the best of both heroes in one single, iconic, All-American unit? Allow me to introduce you to the Iron Patriot!

Iron Patriot: Director of HAMMER and leader of the (Dark) Avengers!

Whoa there! Do not be fooled, true believer! This all-too-perfect a solution is exactly that!

In fact, it was the cunning scheme that has allowed Norman Osborn [aka; Green Goblin] to seize control of the world's most powerful intelligence agency (SHIELD), and become one of America's newest beloved heroes as the leader of the Avengers! This "Dark Reign" is the legacy of all that went down in the Civil War -- the future resulting from our MUA2 decision! Allow me to explain: technically, Iron Man won...

In a final grand battle between the two factions, Captain America surrendered so as to avoid further collateral damage from their in-fighting. Iron Man was promoted to Director of SHIELD, while Cap's incarceration allowed his enemies to position themselves to assassinate him, ahead of his trial.
The death afforded established unregistered heroes some freedom of movement, as IM accepted some responsibility for publically parading Cap, and the sympathies of both the establishment and public returned to the gallant heroes whose identities remained hidden. So while the likes of Daredevil, Iron Fist, Hawkeye, and other Secret Avengers continued to fight the good fight on the streets; Iron Man led the official Avengers against some of the worst of the worst, who threatened America, and the fate of the world.

Despite the grace afforded to the unregistered heroes, every so often the two groups would clash, or in rare instances, team-up. It was the unveiling of a Secret Invasion that forced just such a team-up, when evil shape-shifting Skrull aliens were revealed to have infiltrated all corners of the Marvel Universe. Unfortunately, that included infiltrating SHIELD, which allowed Norman Osborn to fire the war-winning shot that ended the Invasion, and branded Iron Man a corrupt coward-cum-fugitive. Which brings us back to the present.

After ousting Tony Stark, Norman seized all property funded by SHIELD, including the most recent incarnation of his armory. Seeking a design that would inspire the public to rally behind his (Dark) Avengers, Osborn attempted to merge the iconography of two of the team's greatest icons -- Iron Man and Captain America. Thus, he donned the armor, tweaked it to his own specs, and gave it a red, white, and blue paint job, creating the Iron Patriot!

Like his cinematic counterpart; Norman Osborn was long thought dead, after being impaled upon his own Goblin Glider. He returned in the late nineties to bedevil Spider-man once more, however, and before becoming Iron Patriot, served as Director for the Commission on Superhuman Activities -- a role that allowed him to manipulate the team of government-sponsored villains, (redeemed and/or pacified), called The Thunderbolts.

It's through this association that he joins Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 as a playable character, appearing alongside other T-bolts such as; Songbird, Venom, and Penance.

If you're looking for more Norman Osborn/Iron Patriot, you won't have to look hard!
Dark Reign is currently spread across the entire Marvel catalogue. You'll find plenty of spillover events and guest appearances in various titles, alongside Iron Patriot's regular starring role in Dark Avengers.
Also currently hitting stands are a series of special Dark Reign: The List specials that have Osborn and his Dark Avengers targetting specific threats to his sinister domination. You can find more information on all of that via Marvel.com and their Dark Reign mini-site!

Remember! For your chance to win a PlayStation 3 Slim, Marvel Civil War comics, and a copy of Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2, all you have to do is blog about where your allegiances lie -- Captain America, or Iron Man? I know who I'm with! For more information about the competition, dare to register, and visit Mike Cruz' blog!

<< Hero of the Week 09/26: Deadpool       [Home]       Hero of the Week 9/11: Spider-man >>

Originally posted: http://www.1up.com/do/blogEntry?bId=9004603

AVENGERS versus OLYMPUS GROUP
Gauntlet (Marvel)
Where: Incredible Hercules #128 When: June 2009
Why: Greg Pak & Fred Van Lente How: Dietrich Smith

The Story So Far...
Rising to power off the back of a smear campaign against former Director of SHIELD, Tony Stark; Norman Osborn becomes the new lynchpin of an American whose trust in heroes has been replaced by paranoia and fear. Pursuing his own sinister lust for power, Osborn recreates himself as the Iron Pariot to lead a team of Dark Avengers against the very evil he was once, and still is, a part of.

After seizing control of Olympus Group - the corporate identity of the gods - from Zeus; Hera earns the attentions of Osborn, and his agents of HAMMER, with a product called Continuum®. Despite the makings of a perfect match, the two powers are unable to reach a mutually beneficial business agreement, leading their respective groups into a head-long collision!

The events turn Athena, Hercules, and Amadeus Cho into unlikely allies of the Olympus Group, despite Hera's bitter jealousy over a prophecy of Athena's ascension to greatness, and her disdain for Zeus' son. Thus, the great heroes join Olympus Group in a battle against the Dark Avengers!

Tale of the Tape...
Strength: Sentry 6 (Invincible)
Intelligence: Iron Patriot 5 (Professor)
Speed: Sentry 6 (Superhuman)
Stamina: Pluto 7 (Unstoppable)
Agility: Captain Marvel 5 (Cat-like)
Fighting: Ares 7 (Living Weapon)
Energy: Sentry 7 (Cosmic)


- The Dark Avengers are: Iron Patriot, Ms. Marvel, Ares, Sentry, Captain Marvel, Hawkeye, Wolverine, and Spider-man.

When several individuals within the superhero community were revealed as Skrull impostors, a battle of paranoia forced heroes previously divided by their own civil war, to battle together against a Secret Invasion. Though the heroes emerged victorious, the mass corruption incurred within SHIELD allowed then Director for the Commission on Superhuman Activities, Norman Osborn, to stage a coup.

After branding Tony Stark a traitor and coward, Osborn set about rearranging his world as a dark reflection of Stark's. His reign quickly began with the disbanding of SHIELD, in favour of his own organization, HAMMER, before attentions were turned to the Avengers. Incorporating members of his Thunderbolts team, Osborn reimagines their public face as palatable identities associated with heroics.

Mac Gargan becomes Spider-man; Daken adopts Wolverine; Bullseye is Hawkeye; Noh-Varr upgrades to Captain Marvel; Moonstone becomes Ms. Marvel; and Osborn himself creates an iconic identity to fill the void typically filled by a symbol, utilizing Stark's armor designs and a motiff inspired by Captain America, to become the Iron Patriot. Existing members of the team, Ares and Sentry, remain on this newly formed incarnation of Dark Avengers.

- The Olympus Group are: Hera, Typhon, Pluto, and Delphyne Gorgon, who are accompanied by Hercules, Amadeus Cho, and Athena.

Founded by Zeus; the Olympus Group was designed to maintain contact between the gods of Olympus, and the human world. The corporation represents a modern redefinition of the power and influence of the gods. Prominent membership is held by Hebe, Huntsman, Typhon, Pluto, and Hera, who usurped control of the corporation upon Zeus' death. She manipulates the group to her own ends, in particular, in pursuit of her son by marriage to Zeus, Hercules.

Hercules is the demigod spawn of king of the Olympian gods, Zeus, and Alcmena; the mortal daughter of the king of Mycenae. Despite a conspiracy perpetrated by Hera and Luciana to prevent the birth; Hercules was born after seven days of labor, to rule those around him, by the decree of Zeus. The mammoth child would indeed traverse many perils to grow into a mighty leader of men, whose strength became the stuff of legends.

Math: Dark Avengers Ranking: The Sentry (#91)

What Went Down...
When the Dark Avengers descend upon the Olympus Group, Hercules and his fellows become unlikely allies to their godly enemies. They have little choice, quickly thrown into the fray against their Dark Avengers counterparts.

Confronted by the on-coming blur of the Sentry, Hercules is quick to enact an offensive-defensive by catching his opponent's cape on the fly-by, only to toss him through the levels above like a blonde olympic hammer!

Ares; half-brother to Hercules and god of war; enters the battle to defeat his brother, disappointed to unexpectedly find Olympus Group alongside his familial nemesis. With promise of reprimand for his deceptive team leader, Ares topples Hercules and Athena with a grenade, unaware of Typhon's looming presence.

The giant clutches Ares by the skull amidst a swarm of serpents.
Remembering his slain brethren from ancient battles waged by Olympus, Typhon vengefully dominates the god of war, driving his head into the Earth beneath.

Meanwhile, Typhon's ally and Olympian god of the Underworld, Pluto, descends upon the impostor Wolverine with a macabre glee. He taunts the clawed mutant with "December 27th," a unique insight into the destined date of Daken's death. In retaliation, he drives his claws through Pluto's body, successful in amusing the immortal god. The dead rise at Pluto's command to join the fight on his behalf.

Pluto's presence stirs a plot in wise Athena, who recognises an opportunity to obtain power to rival Hera in her uncle's absence from the Underworld. While Hercules sends Noh-Varr flying with a left hook, she beckons for a strategic retreat, made difficult by a spray of webbing from the symbiote Spider-man.

While Athena grapples with the tangled goop, Hercules snatches who he believes to be his former ally. Sending his fist toward the web-slinger's face, he soon learns the truth as Venom manifests a familiar toothy gape to catch the punch.

When the Sentry attempts to reenter the fight, the symbiote's unwieldy grip gives the prince of power a convenient weapon to defeat two Avengers with one blow. He clubs the Sentry out of the air, following with a devestating uppercut through Venom's skull to Sentry's!

Across the warehouse, Delphyne Gorgon battles valiantly against the phony Ms. Marvel with a machine gun. The weapon proves useless against the powers of a Kree Moonstone that deflects the bullets and retorts with a powerful energy blast. Concerned for his crush's safety, Amadeus Cho retrieves the enchanted Aegis chestplate from Athena's recently deceased warrior, Trey Rollins.

Descending to finish the job, Ms. Marvel failed to notice Amadeus sneaking up behind her. With the chestplate clasped to her body, the Kree gravity stone causes a massive feedback of energy.

Cho failed to receive the kudos he might have anticipated, but while he and Delphyne are able to share a moment, it's quickly cut short by the arrival of "Hawkeye."

Summoned to retreat by Athena, the boy genius leaves his Amazon girlfriend to fight her own battle. The gorgon succeeds in cutting Bullseye's arrow from the air, finding opportunity for a close quarters exchange with the range marksman.

Outside the warehouse, Hercules continues his battle with Sentry and Venom.
The symbiote chomps the top of his head, while Sentry sends the trio airborne with a flying tackle. Driving Hercules into the ground, he inadvertently frees the prince of power of Venom's mouth whilst doing his damage.

The Olympian enters into a test of wills with Sentry, grappling with "the power of a million exploding suns." Hercules succeeds in breaking the stalemate with a swift knee to Sentry's groin, giving him the edge necessary to toss Sentry into a collision course with the airborne Venom!

Amadeus Cho reconvenes with his partner in adventure, delivering Athena's plan for evacuation to the reticent warrior. Despite his objections, Hercules sees reason in their plan, agreeing to leap into the surrounding waters with the intent of sinking a nearby ship. It is a feat all too easy for the Olympian powerhouse.

In the Olympus Group warehouse, the tides begin to turn when Hera uses her magics to restrain Typhon who is still grappling with her son, Ares. Norman Osborn seizes the opportunity, swooping in to fire Iron Man-esque plasts into the unsuspecting woman's back. Despite impending victory, the cries of innocent citizens draw Osborn's attention, forcing him to live up to the Iron Patriot ID.

In the interest of maintaining their public facade, Iron Patriot orders the other members of his "Avengers" to assemble to rescue the drowning patrons. While the Avengers earn their promotional support, Ares negotiates a truce between the two groups he holds allegiance to. It's an offer Osborn cannot refuse as the god of war threatens to join his mother should the battle continue.

The Hammer...
The only conundrum bigger than deciding what tense I'm writing in, is the question of who emerged victorious in this issue! It gets a little tricky when the context of these reviews becomes about the efforts of a team. Sentry and Venom certainly weren't particularly successful against Hercules, but then, the Avengers did redeem themselves toward the end of the fight.

To avoid complication, I think the best interpretation for our much beloved records is the literal conclusion of a draw.

Despite recently making some ground in our updating deficit, we're once again falling spectacularly behind schedule.
After enthusiastically choosing Incredible Herc' over a couple of other options, I thought we might've been on a role, but on reflection, I suppose there's a comment in these recent delays.

Hercules fell unfortunately under represented in last year's competition, failing to accurately capture the exciting rise of both the character and his titular role as usurper of Incredible Hulk, in 2008.

This late visitation to the series really doesn't adequately represent what made it great in the last year. Ironically, since deviating into more specific storyarcs, the title appears to have lost some of it's fun-loving lustre, pursuing structural concepts that threaten to bog Hercules down in tiresome mythology derivations, over the more accessible format of superhero fisticuffs. I say that with a hint of reserve, not wanting to be mischaracterized as a foam drooling neanderthal interested exclusively in the violence central to the site concept.

I think it could be debated as fact that literal mythology has often dragged superhero comics into low selling ruts. My best guess, there's just something about two rights making a wrong. As any mainstream apologist will gladly tell you, these superheroes we flock to are effectively the modern equivalency of the gods and heroes of ancient civilization. It's a fair comparison given the winding fates of individuals well known for their unique abilities, or iconic dressing.

It's a compromise of knowing irony to celebrate Hercules as a Marvel character, while denouncing the surrounding components of his mythology. Perhaps it's the modern familiarity of the character, through television and cinema, that makes Hercules a more palatable facet of the Greek epics. Or, perhaps, it's the ease through which Hercules makes a natural transition into the [now] traditional, simplistic, modern construction of a "superhero," that makes him more successful than more complex legends associated with higher ideals.

What ever the reason for friction between superheroes and mythology, it certainly feels evident here. Despite their distortion through the conventions of the Marvel universe, the other gods feel somehow generic and under developed in this colourful issue. The real attraction is undoubtedly the first opportunity to get the Dark Avengers onto the Infinite Wars -- something important to 2009!

As many of us anticipated, the Dark Avengers stemmed directly from the same concept that gave us the Thunderbolts. In fact, it wouldn't be unreasonable to describe the group as the last crop of T-bolts ('Faith in Monsters') promoted.

It was in 1997 that we were first introduced to this version of the concept of villains diguised as heroes [Incredible Hulk #449]. It began as a plot hatched by Baron Zemo and the former Masters of Evil, coinciding with the apparent deaths of the Avengers and Fantastic Four (via Heroes Reborn), but ended with success enough to propel several pretenders into legitimate heroic roles, and spawned other reinterpretations of the team and it's duplicitous line-up.

It'd be nice to believe the "Dark Reign" "status quo," introduced line-wide by Marvel comics, might actually have some staying power, but one tends to be validated in feeling jaded toward these gimmick-laden high concepts. Just like Tony Stark's stay at the top was ultimately brief, so too does it seem inevitable than the mentally unhinged lynchpin, Norman Osborn, will be overthrown from his position as supreme commander of international intelligence and heroics.

It's not what I'd call a delicate concept, but it has a simplistic brilliance that makes all of these inevitable guest appearances so delicious. It's wonderful to see how these established characters can react en masse to the introduction of new(ish) concepts more forthcoming in-fiction than Thunderbolts.
Pak and Van Lente clearly aren't given a lot of room to contribute to the building mythology of the Dark Avengers, but they play with some enjoyable moments, particularly Hercules' overstated reaction to the villainous turn of the likes of Spider-man (whose true identity, as already noted, is soon revealed).

It's a much more subdued affair than Pak's epic battle in World War Hulk [#5], but there's also the fanboy moment of another heavyhitter clashing with Sentry. It suffers from the typical symptoms of a corporate shared universe, but it's worthy of note, even if only for the inevitable confusion over exactly where the boundaries of Sentry's powers lie. Unrelated, but similarly abbreviated, is Hercules' brief encounter with Ares, who has been a regular sparring partner not just in recent Marvel appearances, but throughout legend (and Kevin Sorbo).

A critical eye could easily look at this issue as an unnecessary deviation.
Honestly, on-going plot progresses at an absolute minimum, stopping briefly to close out tangential sub-plots connecting Olympus Group to the central premise of HAMMER (and Norman Osborn), and offering brief character beats. The big benefit to Incredible Hercules is a set-up for a trip to the Underworld in the next issue. Personally, I think the roadtrip adventuring that led the series through a fun packed series of character-spots and fights, was actually a strength.

The Dark Avengers might be primed for a catalogue of intrusions into other series over the next few months, but the bigger picture is more forgiving. One of the all too often forgotten joys of modern superhero comics is the indulgence in concepts across multiple stages. While we learn very little about the group in this issue, it's none-the-less valuable in building context for their prevelance. You might call it an exercise in economy of reputation, space, and time.

Writing doesn't feel as fluid as it did under the exclusive scripting of Greg Pak, and the art is decidedly less attractive than the likes of Clayton Henry or Jim Cheung. Never the less, it seems this is still a title worth checking out, even if only to make up your own mind. Upcoming storylines promise to entertain a variety of high concept pitches, including what appears to be a Thor-empowered Hercules.
Sure to be an interesting twist on the old rivalry.

The Fight: 4.5 The Issue: 4

While the Infinite Wars plays catch-up, why not find yourself some reading material to keep you busy between updates? The Infinite Wars Amazonian Gift Shoppe contains collections featuring most issues reviewed in the Secret Archives, including issues like Incredible Hercules #128, which is too present to be available at the time of this posting. By using purchase links provided anywhere on the site, you help sponsor future entries, whilst benefitting from the price and service associated with the Amazon name. Not quite a Herculean task!

ZOMBIES versus ZOMBIES
Marvel Zombies Conclusion (Marvel)
Where: Marvel Zombies #5 When: June 2006
Why: Robert Kirkman How: Sean Phillips

The Story So Far...
Earth 2419: A frightening twisted version of the Marvel Universe, infected by the decay of an alien virus that turns all infected into decomposing, viracious zombies.

With the Earth's population decimated by the super powered zombies, food supplies begin to run low.
Failing to follow their zombified Fantastic Four into a parallel universe (Earth-1610), the zombies finish the last active snack, Magneto, before the heavens present a miracle.

The timing of his arrival affected by unknown elements of this universe; the Silver Surfer descends in present-day to assess the viability of the Earth for consumption by his master - Galactus: Devourer of Worlds. Irony smiles upon the fortunes of Earth, however, and the Surfer is quickly devoured by the once heroic collective of Avengers, granting them the alien energies of the power cosmic!

With their newly aquired powers the zombies seek to feast on Galactus himself, but first they must face the zombie horde of those who opposed them in life. Freed of the moral constraints that spurred their infinite war, the rabid heroes march against their enemies in a battle to the undead-death.

Tale of the Tape...
Strength: Hulk 6 (Invincible)
Intelligence: Dr. Doom 6 (Genius)
Speed: Colonel America 4 (Olympian)
Stamina: Juggernaut 7 (Unstoppable)
Agility: Super-Skrull 6 (Rubber)
Fighting Ability: Wolverine 6 (Warrior)
Energy Power: Super-Skrull 6 (UWMD)


- The zombie-heroes are: Colonel America, Luke Cage, Wolverine, Hulk, Iron Man, Spider-man, and Giant-Man.

The Avengers were the first to fall before the zombie infestation of Earth-2419.
Carried by an alternate universe Sentry who had escaped from the gates of the afterlife; the plague spread to even the most powerful members, benefitting from the powers of the likes of Thor to spread the undead plague throughout the superhero community.

Despite retaining cognitive function, the heroes quickly abandon their morals, driven mad by the bloodlust of hunger, to lay waste to the Earth's population.
The few who remain uninfected whittle the zombies number, among them; Magneto, the Acolytes, Black Panther, and Reed Richards of Earth-1610.

Eventually the zombies themselves decimate their own in desperation, leaving only Hulk, Spider-man, Wolverine, Iron Man, Power Man, and Giant-Man, to devour and absorb the powers of Galactus, becoming the interdimensional menace called The Galacti.

As the Galacti they possess the immense energies of the power cosmic, while the many zombies previous retained their abilities from life, with a deminished physical integrity and penchant for bouts of mindless violence caused by the hunger.

- The zombie-villains are: Red Skull, Mole Man, Green Goblin, Super-Skrull, Rhino, Juggernaut, Venom, Dr. Octopus, Stilt-Man, Lizard, and Dr. Doom.

Like their heroic counterparts, the villains of Earth-2419 succumbed to the spread of the zombie plague. Their already questionable morals were altered far less than their counterparts, but in a world where the ravenous hordes quickly became the mainstream, their struggles are on an even kilter.

As with the hero zombies; the villains possess all the abilities they had prior to infection, albeit with a dramatically reduced physical integrity due to decay. Likewise, they are also susceptible to the intellectual haze caused by hunger.

Math: Villains (Ttl) Heroes (Avg) Ranking: Iron Man (#3)

What Went Down...
With Galactus toppled by the cosmic powers of the heroic zombies, the villains who played an integral part in the assault find themselves at odds with their traditional foes. The two factions face off to fight for their food, with the first shot fired by a cosmically endowed Colonel America, who blasts the head clean off of Mole Man's shoulders!

The two sides clash, but the villains quickly find themselves outmatched by the heroes who gained control over the power cosmic by devouring Silver Surfer [Marvel Zombies #3].

Spider-man endures a slash from the taloned fingertips of Venom, only to return fire with a blast of cosmic energy. The costume recoils from Eddie Brock's body, revealing the zombie corpse to be an insufficient host for the symbiotic creature.

Meanwhile, the armored Juggernaut scoffs Wolverine's one-armed stand.
With his healing factor decimated by decomposition, Wolverine's own adamantium laced claws tore through his now missing limb. The already dimwitted Juggernaut suffers for his boast as Wolverine plunges his clawed hand into the exposed mouth of his magically endowed foe, only to blast his decrepid flesh with a swelling mass of cosmic energy!

The raging X-Man turns his attentions to his undead nemesis, Sabretooth, while Giant-Man does away with Rhino with a decapitating blast of the power cosmic.

Colonel America has his own personal showdown, facing off in a physical mismatch with the Nazi, Red Skull. Already his physical superior, the zombified Skull provides little challenge for the zombie icon.

At close quarters, Red Skull loses an arm for his troubles, but delights in the Colonel's absent mindedness. Having had the top of his head sliced open by Magneto [Marvel Zombies #1], the Colonel's wounds provide Red Skull the ultimate equaliser. Tearing at the rotting remnants of Colonel America's brain, Red Skull puts an end to the undead life of the zombie super-soldier.

Spider-man spots the showdown too late to intervene, but scores a vengeful blow for his fallen leader, decapitating the cackling Red Skull with an energy blast, leaving the head to burst like a tomato beneath the heel of Giant-Man.

Green Goblin falls to the cosmic power of Spider-man, while Super-Skrull is stretched to breaking by Giant-Man, who also decimates Dr. Doom with the power cosmic. Finally, Wolverine finishes Dr. Octopus, severing the two remaining mechanical arms, before ending the villain.

The heroes stand triumphant as Galactus rises, crackling with energy. Little does the great devourer know, he faces an enemy like none he has ever seen... [Marvel Zombies #5]

The Hammer...
The Marvel Zombies win! Fatali... Er, you get the idea.

Alright, let's work out how this went down.
Colonel America killed Mole Man; Spider-man took out Venom & Green Goblin; Wolverine killed Juggernaut, Sabretooth, (& Dr. Octopus); Giant-Man killed Rhino, Red Skull, Super-Skrull, and Dr. Doom; and Red Skull killed Colonel America (downgrading his contribution to an assist).

For the trainspotters: Lizard and Stilt-Man go almost unnoticed, but if you look carefully enough, you'll know they're there. The action is really focused on key skirmishes, but Philips works in enough background detail to imply vital input from heroes like Luke Cage and Iron Man, and the presence of these mostly obscured villains.

I don't want to get too wrapped up in the 'game' aspect of the Infinite Wars, but it's probably worth elaborating on the ranking aspects for those who came in late.
Our interpretation is that these alternate universe versions of characters fairly contribute to the win/loss tally by representing elements of unlocked potential. For versions deemed definitively removed (ie; Superboy-Prime) we accept a seperate ranking, but in the case of Earth-2149, only zombie infection differentiates the basic make-up of the characters.

It's a fine line that might be subject to change, and if you have an opinion on this aspect of the blog, you should feel encouraged to drop a comment. It's a discussion we usually prefer to avoid, but it doesn't hurt to hear your thoughts.

As you might have gathered Marvel Zombies is just another perfect contribution to our October spookfest here on the Infinite Wars. As is becoming characteristic of the site, our schedule is running a week behind, suitably enough this time because I had an infection of my own. We're not here to hear about that, though.

Whilst sick I fell in love with zombies all over again whilst watching plague films like Doomsday, Resident Evil, and the Dawn of the Dead remake (which turned out to be much better than I had imagined). Of course, while this immersion in the genre made it easy to come back to Marvel's version of the undead, it did shine further light on the gaping weaknesses of the series.

For a high-concept spin-off from the Ultimate books [ie; UFF #23]; Zombies probably deserves some accolade for grafting something very similar to a plot to the mini. However, after seemingly attempting to take back the derogatory 'Marvel Zombie' descriptor, the series has come to encompass the type of oveworked brand serviced by those very same mindlessly dedicated fans.

I feel a little inside-out talking about the series in negative terms.
To be fair, the most recent incarnation [Marvel Zombies 3] manages to lend gravitas to the brand by admirably introducing it to the Marvel Universe proper. This kind of investment in the concept is what I believe will win Geoff Johns' inevitably compared Black Lanterns kudos, benefitting from the more immediate sense of meaning. It's a point that encompasses Marvel's situation.

I think it's retroactive perspective that has me looking far more negatively upon the first series, which was at the time, fun enough, if already clichéd.

As if presenting a fasttrack guide to Marvel's historic development processes; the Zombies series have arguably found their narrative strength the farther they've gone. Millar's original required only a vague antagonising concept akin to the anonymous threat best associated with zombies, while Kirkman elaborates on the very same characters immediately after Millar's work, indulging moreso in retro superheroes, whilst perhaps saving the good ideas for his own series (Image's; Walking Dead).

The concept of superhero zombies is a very interesting one.
Kirkman, whilst doing little to use the strong conventions of the sub-genre, offers some justification with the simple exploration of the superhero zombie. By keeping elements of the characters intact he really does tell more of a macabre superhero story than a zombie thriller, but even this has it's own merits. I have to at least acknowledge this version's conceits of cognitive function -- which deteriorates with the rise of hunger, but is diminished (in Zombies 2) with a clarity provided by longterm starvation. It provides a chance, albeit a shallow one, to look at zombies with some sense of existential self-awareness.

This only goes so far, however, leaving questions of sustainability and other reflections provided by the genre to his creator-owned work. Not that I say that with any contempt. I haven't read the stuff, but arguably because I anticipate a competence I would not want influencing me in my own aspirations to explore the genre in comics. [Is now a bad time to plug my $1.99 comic?]

On that self-indulgence; there's the matter of the origins of the zombie plague. Later series awkwardly bound the Marvel Zombies to licensed contributions from Sam Raimi's Evil Dead franchise, a fact sure to bite them in the arse in decades to come (so buy now if you want it), but still answered some questions about the spread. The origins, of course, like so many zombie tales, remain obscured, provided by an interdimensional introduction similar to our first meeting with the concept (in Millar's Crossover arc of Ultimate Fantastic Four).


As a bit of a fan for procedural detail, I think the most fascinating concept not yet hammered in to the ground by zombie comics and film is the origin story. Not so much the cause of the plague, which was given a competent sci-fi origin in Resident Evil, but how traditional zombies can achieve their terrifying hordes. While I have to admit, the concept lends a slow burn potentially fatal to audiences, but it's a concept I'd very much like to explore.

With any luck we'll talk speculatively a bit more about what history might lie behind the history of the Marvel Zombies. Probably a refreshing change from the repetitive brow furrowing these entries tend to devolve into.

The Fight: 4.5 The Issue: 4.5

Are you a dedicated Marvel Zombie? Want to avoid those inevitable rights struggles that render the backstory out-of-print? Dive in now and take advantage of Amazon's online purchases! By using links provided you help sponsor future entries in the Infinite Wars, and open yourself up to a world of financial exploitation through our Gift Shoppe. Let's face it. You like comics, I like comics. Why not? Collected editions featuring most issues reviewed are available! Hey, it beats being part of the effectless mass! C'mon!

GREEN GOBLIN versus SPIDER-MAN
Down Among the Dead Men: Part One of Four (Marvel)
Where: Marvel Knights: Spider-man #1 When: June 2004 Why: Mark Millar How: Terry Dodson

The story so far...
Theirs is a rivalry that has spanned decades and brought about great misery in each of their lives. Norman Osborn has waged a war on Spider-man in both his identity as Green Goblin, and otherwise. Among his exploits, the impregnation of Parker's then-girlfriend, Gwen Stacy, and her ultimate demise atop the George Washington Bridge.

Norman Osborn would seemingly perish in battle with Spider-man, but amidst the chaos of believing he was a clone who had usurped the life of the true Peter Parker, Spider-man finds a bittersweet truth when Norman reemerges to finally kill the true clone, Ben Reilly.

Yet another skirmish in their lifelong war brings Spider-man to lie resting in an alleyway behind a restaurant. At first mistaking the motionless body for a vagrant sleeping in trash, the store deli employees soon become acquainted with the deadly truth: Enter the Green Goblin!

Tale of the tape...
Strength: Spider-man 5 (Super Strength)
Intelligence: Draw 5 (Professor)
Speed: Spider-man 4 (Olympian)
Stamina: Draw 5 (Marathon Man)
Agility: Spider-man 5 (Cat-like)
Fighting Ability: Draw 3 (Street Wise)
Energy Powers: Green Goblin 4 (Arsenal)


- Self-made millionaire and brilliant industrialist, Norman Osborn, finds himself enhanced physically and mentally when he investigates an experimental formula developed by his crooked colleague, Dr. Mendel Stromm.

Unbeknownst to Norman the formula had undergone tampering, resulting in an explosion that embues him with the formula's properties, resulting in further increases in his physical and intellectual prowess, at the cost of his mental stability.

Using his technologies to adopt the costumed identity of the first Green Goblin; Norman embarks on a quest for money and power, seeking to become the new boss of organized crime in New York. His goals bring him into conflict with Spider-man, and begin a downward spiral that would make them bitter enemies for decades to come.

- A bite from a radioactive spider should have killed highschool nerd, Peter Parker, but instead it would irradiate his own blood, granting him extraordinary powers.

After turning to a life of profit, Peter is inspired to use his gifts for the greater good when his decision to allow a burglar to escape leads to the murder of his adopted parent and uncle, Ben Parker.
Ben's sage-like advice, "with great power comes great responsibility", becomes a mantra for Parker as he becomes Spider-man!

Spider-man possesses the proportional strength, speed, and agility of a spider. Adding to his arsenal is a precognitive spider-sense that warns him of pending danger. Self-made mechanical webshooters round out Spidey's abilities, allowing him to ensnare opponents in a variety of modes; travel through the city by web-line; and form basic constructs based on the available quantities of his own formula of web-fluid.

Additional: The rivalry between Green Goblin and Spider-man is one of the best documented in comics. Over the course of their careers, each would discover the other's true identity, and embark in a bitter personal struggle that would affect a great many innocents around them.

The Infinite Wars previously featured one of the purest representations of this feud as it was depicted in the Spider-man feature film. Also worth noting is Spider-mans battle with Osborn's gathered Sinister Twelve, although it did not include his active involvement in the melee [Marvel Knights: Spider-man #11].

History: Spider-man (1-0-0)
The Math: Spider-man Ranking: Spider-man (#1)

What went down...
With two restraunt employees unwittingly walking into the battlezone, the Green Goblin descends atop his glider with two flaming pumpkin bombs for Spider-man and the innocents. The web-slinger leaps from the garbage to toss the two men to safety, barely aon his feet as the Goblin begins a new attack.

The pair fly through a light shower, struggling all the way as the glider swoops low above traffic, causing windsheilds to shatter!

Spider-man gains the upperhand and inadvertently starts an upthrust in their trajectory, as he begins to wail on the Green Goblin. He uses the eyesockets of Osborn's mask to drag his face into an opposing action against his fist.

Engrossed in battle, thhe pair find themselves inadvertently plunging through an office window, wreaking havoc through the studio space that no doubt racks up in the thousands!

They come to crash land in the storage space of a delivery truck, where Spider-man finds an offensive edge. Taking full advantage of their shaken state, he puts the full extent of his spider-strength to knock Osborn around inside his Goblin mask, whipping away the water amassing from the rain.

With the one-two having the desired effect, Spidey looks around for "something heavy" to deliver the finishing blow to his levelled opponent. Located in the middle of a manhattan crossjunction, Spidey finds advice from one of the onlooking civilians, who suggests a mailbox.

Finding the notion palatable, Spidey again calls upon his super-strength to rip the postbox from it's station, only to use it as a devestating clubbing weapon, bringing it driving down upon the Green Goblin with a sickening impact!

With the Goblin well and truly out of commission, Spidey webs him upsidedown to a lamp post, where he can be discovered later by authorities.
His work, however, proves yet to be done as onlookers both criticize the severity of his methods, and unwittingly put themselves in peril, exploring several spilled pumpkin bombs that emit a gentle luminous glow. Too exhausted to help, Spidey leaves the crowd to their own devices and injuries - victorious?

The hammer...
So, you wanna hear a funny joke?
First, Marvel erases twenty years of history on the whims of the Editor-in-Chief. Then, in response to the laughable outcome, someone talks about giving Spidey a miss for the year. After that, the first entry of the year declares Spider-man victorious.
By the haw of Hoggoth! That's downright absurd! Or is it?...

See, here's the thing; we aren't totally unreasonable. And although the Infinite Wars will make no bones about standing by Spider-Boycott: 2008; we won't let that interfere in certain structural obligations.

In 2006 we ended the year with our top five characters, which meant when we started fresh for Season 2007, there were some embarassing labour pains in the top five. From now onward, we intend to compensate for that by ensuring the previous year's top ten characters get first bite at the new year.

So, here we are, taking a look at 2007's #1 character: Spider-man.

There are two things that make this a palatable cease-fire to our fledgling boycott. The first, we've already mentioned, but the second is a little less subversive, and ties directly into our motives. Because, as mentioned in the Annual Report, we believe Spider-man fans have had a long wait for truly enjoyable Spider-man stories -- but we failed to consider one man: Mark Millar.

A simple truth: A website like this should really have an entire wing dedicated to Monsieur Millar, because there's every chance we could run the spine of our operations off of Millar's output alone.

Unlike his countrymen; Millar isn't necessarily the kind of writer who will have Americans trying to figure out which corner of their bucket they should be peeing in. Truth be told, there's a lot of the bold yankee spirit beating deep within the cavernous bowels of his writer's heart.
A penchant for "widescreen" action and unashamed superheroics has earned Millar a special place in the comics industry as the closest you can get to a sure thing. His Marvel comics routinely dish out top ten sales figures, making his infamous twelve issue runs some of the most talked about comics every month.

Mark Millar is to us, what Julian Moore is to him: A very foxy ginger.

This far in we should really get to the point, so here it is. In these measly twenty-three pages, Mark Millar teams with Terry and Rachel Dodson to do exactly what One More Day didn't - without a single one of the drawbacks.

Millar pulls out all the stops in a story that I initially criticized for appearing like Marvel's response to the chart topping, Hush. I was quickly silenced by what was quite clearly an excercise in telling a classic kind of Spider-man tale, with a completely modern context. This was Spider-man with a tilted grill, giving us a contemporary fat-free attitude that managed to fullfil all the flavours we wanted, without the old deep-fried calories of boring B-plot, and corny dialogue.

With all of her humanity on show, Mary-Jane provides a frustrated protagonist unable to accompany Spider-man on his journey to save a kidnapped Aunt May.
Though the damsel in distress/bridge top motiff has been repeated ad nauseum, we almost want to meet it on Millar's terms, welcoming it for at least pointing to one of the many uses of the Mary-Jane character.

Dr. Octopus is in obscure full force as a wildcard, playing to a hateful history between he and the Goblin, who provides both an immediate threat, and a sinister mastermind to much larger plots, in his own right. Plots ultimately carried out by Mac Gargan, who gets a revamp not only as Osborn's shadowy super-stooge, but eventually as the much anticipated new Venom.

With Electro, Vulture, and Black Cat in feature positions, this is easily the most inviting experience for fans looking to make the transition from films, to comics, giving them a glimpse of what they sorta know, and what they can come to expect. I almost find a naughty glee in recognising a book that's arguably more ultimate than Ultimate.

In fact, so full of joy for this story am I, that I seem to be getting farther and farther away from my original points. This really is just such a fun read that inspires all of those classic Spider-man feelings, but does so with a vibrant contemporary sheen of confident, velvety inks, and bouncy, kinetic curves.
It's the best of all worlds. It's got the domestic turmoil of Stan Lee, the continuing epic struggle of Gerry Conway, the superhero action of David Michelinie, and the arcing scope of Tom DeFalco. War Mongers, reflecting on One More Day, I don't know whether to laugh, or cry.

To see the same apparent goal achieved so beautifully without any of the disgracefully sloppy writing, or dismissive fan-fiction of blanket retcons, is a bittersweet marvel. Millar seems to understand both Spider-man and modern comics so perfectly, it almost makes you wish the man behind Civil War could've assumed a Geoff Johns/Grant Morrison like hold on his company, to have steered this character to the greener pastures desired, albeit, in a superior way.

At this point, amidst my unashamed fawning, I don't know I've engaged in any kind of coherrent discussion, let alone made an argument for a better way.
I just know that at some point in the future we'll be compelled to end the boycott. It might be the right decision, it might not be, but I know for sure, when that happens, the Infinite Wars will revisit Marvel Knights: Spider-man.

This comic wasn't One More Day.
This comic was smart.

The Fight: 5 The Issue: 6.5

Down Among the Dead Men takes advantage of an awkwardly resurrected Norman Osborn. Though this was uncomfortable, the return of Harry Osborn, post-OMD, breaks the friendship. If you feel the same about the comedy of errors, and are looking for an outlet for some great Spider-man reading, you might like to head over to Amazon to pick up MK: Spider-man! Also feel welcome to save and brandish the Spider-Boycott: 2008 banner featured in this entry, with a link back to us. Because... It's just the kind of hype-driven hit response we could use! Oh no, I'm drowning in irony!!!