Monday, August 11, 2008

EYE ON: INFINITE WARS of the 1st OLYMPIAD!
Top 25 National Flag Bearers
#1 Batman (United States)
#2 Wolverine (Canada)
#3 Black Adam (Khandaq)
#4 Sub-Mariner (Atlantis)
#5 Ryu (Japan)
#6 Thor (Asgard)
#7 Storm (Wakanda)
#8 Goro (Outworld)
#9 Noob Saibot (China)
#10 Dhalsim (India)
#11 The Phantom (Bangalla)
#12 Wonder Woman (Themyscira)
#13 Dr. Doom (Latveria)
#14 Elektra (Greece)
#15 The Demon (Hell)
#16 Union Jack (Britain)
#17 Batroc (France)
#18 The Spectre (Heavens)
#19 Sagat (Thailand)
#20 Fei Long (Hong Kong)
#21 Colossus (Russia)
#22 Black Bolt (Attilan)
#23 Sunspot (Brazil)
#24 Rose (Italy)
#25 Champion (Ancrido Nebula)
In a world of champions, who goes for gold?
The heroes and villains of the Infinite Wars clash for medals in sports from the Summer Olympic Games!


Ladies and gentlemen, rejoice!
Mesdames et messieurs, célèbrent svp!

Delays have meant we're running a little too late to be topical, but we ask that you summon what's left of your olympic spirit, because before the Paralympics, there is to be another special event..!
Nous courons tard et ne pouvons pas être des nouvelles. Veuillez rassembler votre esprit olympique. Avant le Paralympics il y aura un événement spécial différent!

To celebrate the planet's greatest, most prolific sporting event, we're here to witness the world warriors of the comic book universes, pitted against one another in Olympic sporting competition.
Bonnes périodes, bonnes périodes, - fade - fade fade. Viva le Batroc! Le sauteur rendra la France fière comme il détruit vos champions faibles. Le Now est l'heure pour que la France monte. Vous ne nous déferez pas. Le sauteur donnera un coup de pied vos dents dans vos anus. Nous vous raillerons avec le rire. Fade fade en compétition sportive.

Numerical superiority means the Americans are almost assured competition victory, but then, the overall winner is never the real story of an Olympic games!
It's the courage of the individuals who combine to make a team. It's the success stories of competitors like Goro, who will leave behind wartorn Outworld to represent the ever changing boundaries of his homeworld in the wrestling.
These Olympics are about the changing zeitgeist of nations, reflecting shifts in representation, like Storm, who has joined Black Panther's tiny Wakandan team to be their flag bearer. Or what about Kal-El? The immigrant who became America's favourite son? Gee, that's special!
Goro est un oaf armé par quatre. Superman est le stupidest de eux tous. Ils manquent de la compétence qui assure Batroc; victoire de s. Superman peut des édifices hauts de saut de "dans un simple bondir" et Goro peut faire déplacer son "le transport frappent du pied" mais ni l'un ni l'autre ne peuvent prétendre être l'un sauteur vrai!

No Olympics is with out it's scandals, though.
The issue looming over this first Infinite Wars Olympics is the unsanctioned attrocities of the Skrulls. Their indiscretions have seen the alien race banned from competition this year, but this doesn't seem to have deterred their attacks on the Marvel Universe. We don't like to dwell on the negatives, but this will be the unfortunate footnote of these Infinite Wars Games.
Seulement un Américain d'idiot confierait à ses mots à un traducteur d'Internet. C'est comment Batroc fera des imbéciles de vous. Vous êtes des imbéciles. Stupide!

Cheer on your favourites, your countrymen, and your underdogs in this arbitrary distraction of thematics. Recount their successes as you tally the potential points you'll earn in the Fantasy League. We've talked at length about the world stage of the superheroes, but the time has come for battle: Commencez!
Un homme si stupide. Pourquoi parle-t-il tellement au sujet de ce non-sens? Je souhaite... Oh, Non! Je suis découvert! J'abandonne! J'abandonne!


Swimming Gold: Sub-Mariner (Atlantis)
Real Name: [Namor McKenzie]
Win Percentage: [50%] Cumulative Rank: [#15]
Year One: [1939] Company: [Marvel Comics]
Silver: [Aquaman] Bronze: [Attuma]

The Podium!
We start proceedings in the pool, and what a beginning it is!
Beijing 2008 might be remembered for Michael Phelps' record setting eight gold medals in the water cube, but in the Infinite Wars, acquatic dominance is the domain of Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner!

Aquaman broke barriers of life, death, and our unwritten rule to exclude inactive characters, only to bring home an admirable silver. Hoping to debunk popular theory that he's utterly usless, the other Atlantean monarch took great delight in bringing home the silver, but then, doesn't that just reinforce the point?

Sure, Aquaman can swim a good race, but when it comes to the crunch, where is he? When the cheque arrives, Aquaman makes a beeline for the bathroom, not to hide, but to find the nearest available water source to recover from the cost. Finger food was on the menu, and the recipe was AM's one good hand!

While they were united in representing Atlantis, it didn't stop Aquaman launching an assault on the smug gold medalist, but guess what? In the Infinite Wars water collesium there's no whales to hear you scream! Shame, Aquaman. Shame! You're a disgrace to the League, and to the superhero fraternity. Maybe if you spent less time posing behind Wonder Woman you'd be alive, and in possession of the gold! Get a catch phrase!

Archery Gold: Green Arrow (USA)
Real Name: [Oliver Queen]
Win Percentage: [50%] Cumulative Rank: [#23]
Year One: [1939] Company: [DC Comics]
Silver: [Red Arrow/Bullseye] Bronze: [Taskmaster/Hawkeye]

The Podium!
It wouldn't be an event without it's upsets!
Green Arrow shocks noone with his dominance in the archery, but the contested second and third spots may have produced the story of the games. While four seperate competitors bullseye their way to medals, it's Kate Bishop who rises to the challenge of meeting Taskmaster for bronze -- not Clint Barton!

The former Hawkeye turned Ronin proved unwilling to take up the bow and the many grim memories associated with it. This left his Young Avengers counterpart to steal the crumming glory along with Initiative Trainer, Taskmaster, whose observations of Barton contributed to his amazingly accurate archery!

Like Ronin, Green Arrow took up the sword in the last couple of years, but while his continued excellence in archery assured victory at these games, it's done little to settle the debate of which is the true superior! A question that seemed to linger over several competitors as former-Speedy, Red Arrow, put in a solid showing in the absence of his successor, Mia Dearden!

Boxing Gold: Champion of the Universe (Ancrido Nebula)
Real Name: [Tryco Slatterus]
Win Percentage: [50%] Cumulative Rank: [#194]
Year One: [1982] Company: [Marvel Comics]
Silver: [Wildcat] Bronze: [Balrog]

The Podium!
The Infinite Wars Squared Circle was affectionately redubbed "the Slatter house" as Tryco Slatterus laid waste to any and all competitors who stepped into the ring with his power primordial!

Said to be one of the oldest beings in the universe; the Champion was completely mismatched against a host of victims that included; Moon Knight, Slam Bradley, and the Phantom!

Balrog got the Street Fighters excited with his heavy hitting medal performance, but even he proved completely insufficient against the cosmic powers of the Champion of the Universe!
It seems fair that an enquiry may be launched in the interim between this, and the next Infinite Wars Olympic Games, to determine whether a review of qualification practises may be required.

Infinite Wars superhero practises mean weight and sex classes are discounted in favour of pitting the pure powers of competitors against one and other. In theory we completely support this practise, but is the dominance of one competitor something to revile as a gross imbalance, or merely a feat to be praised?
When Jack Johnson enraged wowsers with his dominance of the sport, it became a competition to find opponents strong enough to beat the unbeatable. Is that not the very essence of the gentleman's games? Is this gladiatorial struggle not the very fabric by which we define our champions?

Cycling Gold: Ghost Rider (USA)
Real Name: [Johnny Blaze]
Win Percentage: [66.67%] Cumulative Rank: [#53]
Year One: [1972] Company: [Marvel Comics]
Silver: [Batman] Bronze: [The Knight]

The Podium!
In a year when The Dark Knight dominated theatre screens and entries in the Infinite Wars, it seemed all eyes were inevitably on the Batpod, but victory in the cycling was not to the Batman's to take! Despite controversy surrounding performance-enhancing demonic possession; Johnny Blaze was cleared to take the gold medal in what was ultimately a comfortable victory!

Batman's batpod competition ultimately proved to be his British counterpart, the Knight! Dedication and quality marked the big difference between the winners and the casual competitors who formed a pack just off the pace; Huntress, Robin, and Johnny Storm all valiant in their efforts.

The batpod looked sandwiched as the Dark Knight pushed his machine to the limits in what always boiled down to a three 'horse' race. The batpod tried desperately to match the relentless power of Ghost Rider's runaway hellcycle -- all the while fending off the pursuits of The Knight!

While the finish was ultimately somewhat predictable, it was exactly the kind of jostling the sport needed. Ghost Rider really represents the last of the seventies motorcycling champions, but we wonder if his performance and the mainstream attention of the Batpod might not turn things around.

Equestrian Gold: Valkyrie (Asgard)
Real Name: [Samantha Parrington]
Win Percentage: [0%] Cumulative Rank: [#492]
Year One: [1982] Company: [Marvel Comics]
Silver: [Black Knight] Bronze: [Phantom]

The Podium!
Valkyrie may have been the first to bring home gold to the Asgards (to the chagrin of the Greeks), but her graceful riding of Aragorn was ironically dwarfed by Dane Whitman's silver winning return to prominence!

Whitman; better known to the world as Black Knight; had stayed in relative obscurity since his brief membership with the Heroes for Hire, but returned recently as an agent of MI5 in opposition to the Skrull invasion of Earth.
Whitman and Valkyrie share an interesting bond, being that it was he who gifted the white horse Aragorn to the Norse warrior. This familiarity, however, was not enough to shake the rust from Black Knight's armor.

Some parties felt the Phantom was unjustly cheated of points during his riding of the stallion, Hero. The Ghost Who Walks was nothing less than graceful in defeat, despite falling short. The chiefs of the Llongo tribe were soon calmed.

Fencing Gold: Nightcrawler (Germany)
Real Name: [Kurt Wagner]
Win Percentage: [0%] Cumulative Rank: [#250]
Year One: [1975] Company: [Marvel Comics]
Silver: [Swordsman] Bronze: [Ra's Al Ghul]

The Podium!
In such an aggressive sport few would expect the German sweep to be led by the playful X-Man, Nightcrawler! It was he and his countryman, Andreas von Strucker, that duked it out for the gold in an unlikely fencing final!

Ra's Al Ghul put Deathstroke down with sheer skill and grace with the blade, but was unable to match the speed, skill, and teleporting evasions of the eventual gold medallist. Their battles were but few of this hotly contested sport that garnered a surprising amount of attention, boasting a diverse range of competitors, including; Blade, Deadpool, Silver Samurai, and Ronin -- who sacrificed what many felt was an assured medal in the archery to compete!

Artistic Gymnastics Gold: Nightwing (USA)
Real Name: [Dick Grayson]
Win Percentage: [75%] Cumulative Rank: [#33]
Year One: [1940] Company: [DC Comics]
Silver: [Nightcrawler] Bronze: [Deadman]

The Podium!
The rings might have been called the trapeez as former circus performers took centre stage in the artistic gymnastics. Nightcrawler looked to get the daily double, but struggled in the dying moments against the stoic performance of Nightwing. Those close to the industry pointed to Wagner's time spent with another event that left him second to Grayson's dedication.

Deadman proved a crowd favourite in his performance that narrowly budged out the acrobatic feats of Elektra, Black Canary, and Black Panther.
Protests came from groups disappointed by the mixed gender competition, feeling the women were judged more harshly than the men, but if this was the case, their voices were sure to be heard come the rhytmic gymnastics, which saw a total reversal of roles.

Rhythmic Gymnastics Gold: Spider-Woman (Britain)
Real Name: [Jessica Drew]
Win Percentage: [50%] Cumulative Rank: [#214]
Year One: [1977] Company: [Marvel Comics]
Silver: [Chun-Li] Bronze: [Daredevil]

The Podium!
A landslide victory in the rhytmnic gymnastics completely silence critics who felt mixed gender competition was counter-productive. Some might say it would be the traditional exclusivity of the rhythmic form that handed Spider-Woman the win, but when you take into account the dramatic scores, near perfect, other suspicions creep in. Infinite Wars officials have not launched any investigation, denouncing accusations of cheating as absurd, but we wonder!

Judges were not unkind to the silver and bronze.
Chun-Li's floor skills were unrivalled, while Daredevil undoubtedly rode his handling of the baton to a podium finish. Most would have to agree that the big disappointment, however, was Henry McCoy, whose struggles with dexterity left him performing well below what we know he has been capable of. It was presumably this that led him to pull out of the artistic event.

Judo Gold: Batman (USA)
Real Name: [Bruce Wayne]
Win Percentage: [68.57%] Cumulative Rank: [#1]
Year One: [1939] Company: [DC Comics]
Silver: [Tommy Jagger] Bronze: [Kingpin]

The Podium!
The Dark Knight detective has been a dominant force in the Infinite Wars so when it came to pitting his diverse skills against his contemporaries in sporting conquests, many expected a clean sweep. Pipped at the post by Ghost Rider, the Batman would have to wait to his chosen martial art, Judo, to actually pick up an event victory.

Son-of-Judomaster, Tommy Jagger, played an obvious second, with Kingpin sneaking in the back to send a bulky reminder of his own muscular prowess and fighting abilities!

Taekwondo Gold: Ryu (Japan)
Real Name: [Ryu]
Win Percentage: [42.86%] Cumulative Rank: [#16]
Year One: [1987] Company: [Capcom]
Silver: [Iron Fist] Bronze: [Jin Kazama]

The Podium!
Taekwondo split the martial artists down the middle, but invited a range of strikers and practitioners of alternate styles to compete successfully.
As might be expected of an Infinite Wars Games, the TKD attracted some of the largest numbers of competitors, but eventually the glut of martial arts experts were whittled down to three, but not without controversy!

The Lin Kuei warrior, Hydro, launched into an unprecedented assault on officials when his match against Black Canary began to shift in the Canary's favour. The feeble attack was quickly ended by other officials on hand, and earnt the martial artist a lifetime ban from competition. Not that really matters given that his life was promptly ended by Scorpion [Mortal Kombat: Blood & Thunder #4].

Japan's success in the traditional Korean art was punctuated by bronze from iron fist fighter, Jin Kazama.
Iron Fist successfully split the difference, struggling against the rounded attack of Ryu's strikes.

Weight Lifting Gold: Hulk (USA)
Real Name: [Dr. Bruce Banner]
Win Percentage: [58.33%] Cumulative Rank: [#5]
Year One: [1962] Company: [Marvel Comics]
Silver: [Superman] Bronze: [Wonder Man]

The Podium!
Famous for once holding the weight of a mountain on his shoulders; the incredible Hulk lived up to his title, using sheer determination to overcome the mighty muscles of his opposition. The usual suspects were present to cast aspertions over the validity of gamma-irradiated enhancements, but in a world of gods and monsters, who can really say what is unfair in these games?

Wonder Man put on a show for the fans in the early goings [ala; West Coast Avengers Annual #5], but was swamped by his physical superiors. The bronze didn't deter his enthusiasm for crowds who were keen to interview the media savvy superhero. The gold medallist was much less receptive to press, opting to spend his time skulking in the dark corners of the Infinite Wars village.

Wrestling Gold: Hercules (Greece)
Real Name: [Heracles]
Win Percentage: [0%] Cumulative Rank: [#530]
Year One: [1965] Company: [Marvel Comics]
Silver: [Thing] Bronze: [Zangief]

The Podium!
The battle against evil is a non-stop regime, but preperation can so often prove to be the difference in the lead-up to an event like the Infinite Wars Olympic Games. As one of the rising stars of 2008, anticipation surrounding Hercules' entry into these games, and win the wrestling, he did not disappoint.

Thing looked assured to give the original Olympian a run for his money, but off the back of recent struggles [Hulk vs Hercules: When Titans Collide], the prince of power summoned an immense reserve that may or may not have left judges questioning the legality of his moves. Avoiding suspension, Hercules led the charge of a superhuman pankration pummeling!

Purists would have been happy to see Russian superstar, Zangief, walk away with a bronze, the 'Red Tornado Czar of Wrestling' representing the presence of non-superpowered powerhouses. He proved to be the chief hopeful of the Russian team, whose presence was understated in the superhero stakes.

Sprinting Gold: Flash (USA)
Real Name: [Wally West]
Win Percentage: [66.67%] Cumulative Rank: [#20]
Year One: [1959] Company: [DC Comics]
Silver: [Zoom] Bronze: [Superman]

The Podium!
Action on the track, as with any games, was one of the most eagerly anticipated moments of these Infinite Wars Olympics. The internal rivalry of US representatives, Flash and Superman, was the main event of the sprints, everyone keen to confirm their own theories of the superior.

Completed with a multi-coloured blur, it was quite literally a super-photo finish that revealed the winner as the Flash! His mastery of sonic speeds gave the scarlet speedster an instant victory, overcoming his opponents in the blink of an eye. It was a record setting score, putting Superman in third behind the staccato race run by Zoom, who appeared to materialize partway through the track.

Marathon Gold: Flash (USA)
Real Name: [Jay Garrick]
Win Percentage: [0%] Cumulative Rank: [#255]
Year One: [1940] Company: [DC Comics]
Silver: [Spitfire] Bronze: [Flash]

The Podium!
Longevity was the key to the marathon which was run over several million miles. The Golden Age Flash never looked to be truly challenged, fending off the pursuits of the British Invader, Spitfire, who, despite her youthful appearance, struggled to maintain the same unerring presence.

Barry Allen proved an unlikely entrant into the fray, appearing at the starting line from a vibrating vortex of time defying speeds. The long thought dead Flash proved relevance after death is a two-way street, giving the speedster legs to round-out the triple threat representation of the speed force Flashes!

Hurdles Gold: Flash (USA)
Real Name: [Wally West]
Win Percentage: [66.67%] Cumulative Rank: [#20]
Year One: [1959] Company: [DC Comics]
Silver: [Superman] Bronze: [Batroc]

The Podium!
Those dissatisfied by the results of the sprint had an opportunity to place their bets once more as Superman and Flash went head to head, this time with the obstacle of periodic hurdles. The jumps managed to slow several competitors, but with a slower group on the whole, it was Batroc the Leaper who had the spring in his step to bounce his way to an admirable bronze!

Flash once again showed his superior speeds against the Man of Steel, undeterred by obstacles that were similarly leaped with ease by his JLA teammate. The high speed event was a preview of what was sure to be an exciting meet of the high jump, where Superman's leap would again be tested, this time under isolated conditions!

Long Jump Gold: Nova (USA)
Real Name: [Richard Rider]
Win Percentage: [33.33%] Cumulative Rank: [#85]
Year One: [1976] Company: [Marvel Comics]
Silver: [Cannonball] Bronze: [Hulk]

The Podium!
While the track was lit up with the streaking blurs of speedsters, the long jump featured a similar treatment as each competitor blasted their way to record setting jumps. The last of the Nova Corps Centurian was in his element, rocketting ahead of the similarly legblurring blasts of Cannonball.

Hulk's conventional approach to the leap was the odd-style-out in an event that showcased those dwarfed and those boosted by rocket powered pounces.

High Jump Gold: Superman (USA)
Real Name: [Kal-El aka; Clark Kent]
Win Percentage: [58.33%] Cumulative Rank: [#4]
Year One: [1938] Company: [DC Comics]
Silver: [Hulk] Bronze: [Toad]

The Podium!
A veritable swiss army knife of superhuman abilities; Superman's power to leap tall buildings in a single bound was what finally garnered a gold medal performance. He found himself once again pitted against the prowess of his Marvel counterpart, Hulk, whose impressive vertical leap is sometimes misinterpreted by the uninitiated as flight.

Strict rules kept soaring out of the event, despite the fantastic heights achieved in the field event. As with other events, bronze saw a drop from the high flying inhuman strengths of the top two, allowing Toad to represent the mutants of the world with his own springing step.

A French protest against the top heavy contest saw Batroc withdraw from the event mere moments before it's start. After suffering a crushing defeat in the event, a Captain Britain in good spirits said he was reminded of the cowardice shown by the French in the Second World War. The resulting brawl was expectedly short, swiftly ending the Frenchman's games.

Shotput Gold: Hercules (Greece)
Real Name: [Heracles]
Win Percentage: [0%] Cumulative Rank: [#530]
Year One: [1965] Company: [Marvel Comics]
Silver: [Olympian] Bronze: [Green Goblin]

The Podium!
Rivalries had feulled much of the action in the Infinite Wars Games.
Superman's tussles with the Hulk and Flash; Namor and Aquaman's aquatic rivalry; and the aborted battle of archers, Green Arrow and Hawkeye; were major moments in the games, but as the field events continued, a new rivalry was about to form within the ranks of the Greek team.

Hercules and Olympic spurred each other to medal winning performances, neither willing to concede to their highly competitive counterpart. The prowess of an army of Argonauts wasn't enough to put the wielder of the golden fleece over the line. Hercules, declaring himself king of the games, claimed his second gold with little to no humility. This boasting, however, was soon to come back to haunt him.

Discus Gold: Olympian (Greece)
Real Name: [Aristedes Demetrios]
Win Percentage: [0%] Cumulative Rank: [#497]
Year One: [1982] Company: [DC Comics]
Silver: [Hercules] Bronze: [Captain America]

The Podium!
It was a mission of retribution as Olympian faced off once more against Hercules in a second toss, this time with the discus. Though the prince of power had the strength to push the discus to fantastic distances, it was technique and determination that launched Aristedes Demetrios' golden discs into the medal winning position.

For Olympian, who dedicated the victory to Helena Sandsmark, it proved to be an emotionally charged win. Demetrios described his gold medal as a testmant to the Greek people to whom he felt some responsibility as a super power that had failed them in the past. His struggles with mental illness were well documented in the Greek press during the nineties, but it seemed those troubles were definitely behind him, presenting a newly confident Olympian to the world.

Hammer Toss Gold: Thor (Asgard)
Real Name: [Thor]
Win Percentage: [35.71%] Cumulative Rank: [#19]
Year One: [1962] Company: [Marvel Comics]
Silver: [Ronan] Bronze: [Steel]

The Podium!
The Kree presence at these Infinite Wars Games served a reminder to the bar placed on Skrull competitors. Commentary provided by Kl'rt, the original Super-Skrull, ignited outrage from the Kree representation when he described them as vultures picking at the Skrulless scraps of these mostly human oriented competitions.

Ronan had plenty of accusations to dish out, many of them overlapping with previous events, if not the moral fibre of the Super-Skrull and his people. Ronan claimed many unsuccessful competitors had actually been Skrulls in disguise as others, but officials assured no Skrull was able to bypass newly developed detection technologies provided by Reed Richards, who had cracked methods used to successfully disguise their presence.

The many distractions probably didn't help Ronan's performance in the hammer toss, but there was never any question that a newly resurrected Thor was going to blitz the competition. The Norse god of thunder showed a new maturity in his throwing, approaching the technique with a calm serenity that distanced him from previous outings. It was an impressive win!

Javelin Gold: Javelin (Galador)
Real Name: [Darin]
Win Percentage: [NA] Cumulative Rank: [NR]
Year One: [1982] Company: [Marvel Comics]
Silver: [Scorpion] Bronze: [Hawkman]

The Podium!
As the Infinite Wars Games wound down to it's final events, the strangest collection of competitors gathered for the javelin. Hercules and Olympian's dedication to the ancient events overlooked the javelin, leaving the competition wide open to some of the less likely competitors!

Javelin; Spaceknight ally of ROM [pictured]; proved the ultimate chucker of this particular round. Scorpion's expertise with the roped ninja spear gave him the throwing strength to put in a good show, while Hawkman's expertise with medieval weaponry, including spears and javelins, gave him a strong bronze.

Shooting Gold: Deadshot (USA)
Real Name: [Floyd Lawton]
Win Percentage: [50%] Cumulative Rank: [#191]
Year One: [1950] Company: [DC Comics]
Silver: [Bullseye] Bronze: [Deathstroke]

The Podium!
Though not actually the final event to begin, the marathon shooting rounds continued throughout the games as crackshots tried to seperate themselves through a seemingly endless tie. Few stuck around to witness the gunmen in action, but it's said it got quite lively as competitors tried various (lethal) techniques to put each other off.

Bullseye, the favourite of the event, found himself tripped up by the cunning and marksmanship of Deadshot. So confident was Deadshot he was glad to shoot with one eye tied behind his mask, matching the imparement of Deathstroke.

Shooters including Punisher, Deadpool, Cable, Black Widow, and the Phantom engaged runaway competitors after the event. No fatalities were recorded, but Kurtis Stryker was said to have been grazed by several of his own bullets, all shot directly into the air above him. Remember kids - guns aren't toys!

That wraps up the 2008 Infinite Wars Olympic Games!
For disgruntled response and updates on investigations into cheat claims you can refer to the comments! Stay tuned on the Infinite Wars for more exciting competition including more hand-to-hand combat, belated Olympic references, and the top statistical powers as voted by you! (Remember, head to the top right to vote in that final poll!)

Sunday, August 10, 2008

C2C OLYMPIAD: THE SUPERHUMAN GOLD STANDARD!
It's Olympic season on the Infinite Wars, which means, after spotlighting some of the characters you know and love, we can turn our attentions away from cinemas to get back to what's important -- super fights!

Last week it was all about the martial arts, but we told you we like the big time clashes between Hulk and Hercules, and we're stripping all that "skill" stuff away to get down and dirty with exactly that! On offer is a selection of the finest fist-pounding power of the supermen from Marvel and DC! What could be more Olympic than that? That actually isn't a rhetorical question...

Get whipped up into a frenzy with these battles because in tomorrow's update we're bringing you our very own Infinite Wars Olympic Games, pitting the ranked heroes and villains against one and other in the sporting arena! We'll be abound in Fantasy League points as we dish out medals under the most debatable and dubious of thematic circumstances!
You should also keep an eye on the top right for polls to determine the dominant forces of our seven sciences of victory! Enough of the hoohah, let's get ready to rumble!

Tales to Astonish #79 (May 1966)
"The Titan and the Torment!" Lee/Everett/Kirby

Those puny humans are always harassing Hulk, but if military green and weapons of destruction aren't to the jade giant's liking, how about the pounds of pressure produced by the son of Zeus?

On his way to begin a career in Hollywood, Hercules will come face-to-face for the very first time with an opponent that will continue to offer the prince of power a sporting opponent! When his train is derailed, Hercules steps up, ready to meet gamma-irradiated strength however it may be dealt!

It's an all-star line-up both on and off the page as a triple threat of Stan Lee, Bill Everett and Jack Kirby do what they do best: tell face-cracking superhero action epics!

Incredible Hulk #205 (November 1976)
"Do Not Forsake Me!" Wein/Buscema/Staton

Hercules a little too obvious an opponent for your tastes?
Do you require something less predictable to whet your increasing appetite for destruction? Want a rarer thrill to add to your Infinite Wars campaign? How about the obscure automaton menace that once successfully drained the strength of Thor?!

The robotic Crypto-Man has been revived by a mysterious mad scientist, and in his quest for power, he'll pit this mechanical muscle against the most powerful bruiser on the planet -- the Hulk!

This time the trio is Len Wein, Sal Buscema, and Joe Staton, and the stakes are even higher! Hulk's alien love interest, Queen Jarella, finds herself in a crossfire that might yet claim her life, and change the Hulk's outlook forever!

Action Comics #713 (September 1995)
"Scarlet Salvation" Michelinie/Dwyer/Rodier

In 1993 the world watched in awe as an alien menace called Doomsday arrived on planet Earth to do what many thought impossible -- kill the Man of Steel!

Doomsday and Superman seemingly struck each other down in the centre of Metropolis, but the last son of Krypton soon found his way back to life, returning to champion the greater good of humanity!

Some people proved unconvinced by Superman's miraculous return. People like convicted mass murderer, Ramsey Murdoch. Believing the new Superman to bet another fake perpetrated by the likes of Brainiac; Murdoch manifests latent psychokinetic abilities that allow him to reshape the world as he sees fit, and march against the Superman with the conviction of a madman who believes himself a saviour!

Hawkman #24 (March 2004)
"Black Reign" Johns/Morales

Once, centuries ago, Theo-Adam of Khandaq was the Wizard Shazam's chosen warrior to defend good in the world. By invoking the magic word of the wizard's name, Adam was transformed into a magically enhanced dark knight with the power of the Egyptian gods!

Centuries after Black Adam succumbed to the temptation of brutality and evil, he once again spills blood on the sands of Khandaq, this time in the name of the greater good. Having betrayed the trust of the Justice Society of America; Adam leads a small group of insurgents to overthrow the dictatorship of his homeland in order reclaim it.

Standing in his way is the successor to the Shazam powers - Captain Marvel! In this clash of magically powered titans it will prove to be the wisdom of Zehuti that wins the day!

Captain Atom: Armageddon #1 (December 2005)
"A Scream Across the Sky" Pfeifer/Camuncoli

A cosmic mission to stop the impending destruction of Earth by Kryptonite meteorite sends Captain Atom on a suicide mission into the unknown. The hero, coated in alien alloy, succesfully curbs doom, but in doing so, triggers a quantum shift that throws him through time and space!

When the Captain next awakes he finds himself on a strange parallel Earth, embued with a new golden sheen. The glaze of his alien shell attracts unwanted attention in a world that has been conditioned to fear and loathe the presence of super powered individuals.

When Mr. Majestic intervenes it's an all-out energy blasting war as he unleashes his atomic fury against the Kherubian authority!

Saturday, August 09, 2008

SMASH HITS: CASSIUS


Cassius - Feeling For You (1999)








August is almost-Olympics month on the Infinite Wars! To reflect the spirit of the games the Smash Hits will be dedicated to artists from around the world! Artists like French electro duo, Cassius!

'Feeling for you' follows on from the success of the titular track from Cassius debut album, 1999. The pair resurrect their music video avatar for a second outing, this time in a more narrative affair that brings the Deadman-inspired disco hero into conflict with the evil overlords of a major record company!

Drawing upon pop culture cues that include references to Batman (C signal & sixties cuts), Superman (port-a-potty change), and the Phantom (C ring?); the French pair lay down a dance track that succeeds at being subtle, but also catchy. Still a long way from Daft Punk or Air, I find this track most memorable for it's video, but if you're feeling daring, give Toop Toopa whirl!

No doubt we'll check in with Cassius 1999 sometime in the future, but don't worry fanboys! Viewing the videos out of order will not hinder your enjoyment of continuity. Haw!

Friday, August 08, 2008

SUPERMAN versus FLASH
Fast Friends (DC)
Where:
Flash #209 When: June 2004
Why: Geoff Johns How: Howard Porter

The Story So Far...
When Barry Allen sacrificed himself to save the universe from the machinations of the Anti-Monitor, he was survived by his speedster nephew, Wally West. The then Kid Flash in turn adopted the heroic mantle of the scarlet speedster, the Flash, becoming a public icon of justice in Central City!

Having taken up residence in Keystone City; West is made to regret his unusually public identity when Hunter Zolomon, (Zoom), attacks his wife Linda, causing her to miscarriage their unborn twins.

Grief stricken, West accepts an offer from Hal Jordan, host for the omnipotent entity of vengeance, the Spectre. Jordan, on a mission of redemption, offers his friend in life the opportunity to erase all knowledge of his identity, thus curtailing future retribution from his enemies. The influence of the Spectre, however, erases knowledge of Flash's true identity en masse to include, clues of the Flash legacy, and even West's own alter-ego from himself!

It is not until the Batman deduces the identity of the absent Flash that the truth is once again revealed, but the mystery remains for the Justice League, whose altered memories can no longer pay tribute to the sacrifice of the previous Flash, Barry Allen, and are no longer certain of the fibre of their speedster ally.

Tale of the Tape...
ARTWORK: Jim LeeARTWORK: Michael TurnerStrength: Superman 6 (Invincible)
Intelligence: Superman 4 (Tactician)
Speed: Flash 7 (Lightspeed)
Stamina: Superman 6 (Generator)
Agility: Draw 3 (Acrobat)
Fighting Ability: Draw 3 (Street Wise)
Energy Power: Superman 5 (Lasers)


- With the planet Krypton on a path toward destruction, a scientist, Jor-El, bundles his only son into a rocket ship designed to take him far from the impending doom. The young Kal-El would be rocketted far from his home to come to land on the planet Earth, where a yellow sun would grant him the powers to become the man of steel - Superman!

A spiritual leader for the superhero community; Superman has a wide array of physical capabilities to back his presence up, the stalwarts being; super strength, flight, heat-vision, super breath, and super speed. He also has a keen intellect, his Kryptonian brain enhanced in much the way his body is.

A keen strategist, Superman has a broad understanding of sciences and battle tactics, but is often hindered by his own sense of caution and responsibility.

- During a fateful visit to his criminologist uncle's police laboratory; a bizarre series of events that once conspired to give Barry Allen the powers of a speeding Flash were to bestow a gift upon the young Wally West! Doused in the same chemicals as his uncle, Wally too was given the ability to tap into the properties of the speed force to move at fantastic speeds!

When Allen gave his life to thwart the Anti-Monitor's plans to destroy the universe; West chose to honor his mentor by retiring his role as Kid Flash, to succeed his uncle as The Flash! In doing so, the new Flash inhereted not only the public responsibility of protecting Central City, but also upholding the ideals of his predecessor. To this end, Wally West has been very successful!

Along with the inherent ability to move at great speeds; West can utilize his abilities to manipulate his molecules to pass through solid objects, harness and channel velocity, and even travel through time with the right peripheral.

Math: Superman Ranking: Superman (#4)

What Went Down...
An emergency League meeting gathers the presence of; Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Elongated Man, Zatanna, Firestorm, Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, Green Lantern, Green Arrow, Black Canary, Hawkman, and Atom; each asking the same question -- who is the Flash, and why can't they remember him?

The League offer their friend the benefit of the doubt, hoping to give him the chance to reveal the truth himself, but preoccupied by the disappearance of his wife, the Flash proves unwilling to stand and talk. At super speeds he escapes to the JLA Watchtower teleport system, which zips him to New York, where he intends to begin the search for his absent wife.

Intent on getting answers, it's not long before Superman reaches New York under his own power, catching up with the scarlet speedster with a firm, but understanding approach. The Flash remains uncooperative.

Harnessing the powers of the speed force, Flash bursts into a sprint that leaves a red blur marking his path. Superman's mighty muscles manage to propel him right behind the scarlet speedster, but he lacks the inherent abilities that allow Flash total manipulation over speed. He considers funneling Superman's kinetic energy into himself, but fears the destruction his invincible body would cause if his momentum was stripped as they zip across a busy bridge.

Flash continues to evade Superman, heading for a penthouse owned by his in-laws, bought with the fortune the Parks made from investing in KORD Industries.
With no sign of family, Flash heads to the countryside, redirecting his attentions to losing Superman, which he assumes he'll do across the Rockies. He's wrong.

As the pair skim across the surface of the Pacific Ocean, the airborne Superman tries to use a focused beam of heat vision to tag the Flash into slowing. Though a sound strategy, the Flash easily outruns the blast.

The duelling runners blur colours along the coastal vista of the Parks' Californian condo, where the in-laws are sitting down to a home cooked Korean meal.
Linda proves absent, sending the highspeed chase into international waters!

Superman begins deducing the cause for Flash's silent determination, slowly recalling the details of Flash's relationship with the Asian-American TV reporter. The revelation seems to slow Wally West for just a moment, but he vibrates free of Superman's grip, leading the charge across Russia, France, and back to the open sea.

Wally West looks deep inside himself and recalls the many times Linda Park has been his "lightning rod." The object of clarity that pulls him from the void. He reaches deep into his heart and believes she's waiting at home. He feels she just wants to talk about the shock of his newly secret identity. He feels it and with the burst of a second-wind, accelerates into a homeward bound supersonic boom!

Wally powers through Keystone City, blazing a trail toward his apartment!
Superman finds himself left in the crackling energy and dust of Flash's charge, but when the speeding hero comes to a halt, he finds only the deafening silence of an empty home. Finally, Flash stops running, and with Superman arriving close behind, he pulls back his crimson cowl, so that the truth can flood back into the Man of Steel's mind.

The Hammer...
Under ordinary Infinite Wars conditions this 'battle' would probably have been called a draw. Yes, there's some level of physical altercation, but ultimately, the conflict is resolved through non-violent means. However, in the interest of the Olympic spirit, we make another concession to declare Flash the winner!

And the winner Flash certainly was in a period of reinvigoration under the direction of Geoff Johns. This issue marks yet another tidy example of Johns' capacity for writing stories that draw heavily upon surrounding context, but do so with a new-reader friendly approach. If it were a more recent issue, I'd almost certainly recommend it to anyone enticed to jump into the Flash, because it not only recaps elements close to the character, but also reflects upon his position within the Justice League. A position very different to that of the cartoons, which recast the Flash as a less ponderous, comedy relief character.

The post-Johns period saw an eventual decline in quality that pretty much wrote the character off for the bulk of 2007 and 2008. The epitomy of this bungling was two seperate short-lived relaunches of the title, one as Fastest Man Alive which featured the ill fated career of Bart Allen as Flash, and All-Flash which stuttered the welcome return of Wally West and resumed numbering (200's).

One wonders if situations like these led DC Executive Editor, Dan DiDio, to admit, in a recent interview, that constant reboots of characters was counter-productive and only alienating longterm fans.
Such an interpretation would go in the face of unconvincing claims that Bart Allen's tenure as titular star, (under the TV-Flash writing team of Danny Bilson & Paul DeMeo), was a planned investment to ruse fans into shock upon his death.

Regardless of post-Infinite Crisis ,it appears Flash will once again enter the race, leaving behind the shock combustion of Mark Waid's unsuccesful return home.
While the solo series meanders it's way through the quagmire of life with two freakish kids, Geoff Johns returns for the Final Crisis tie-in, Rogues Revenge.

The three-issue mini repairs Johns with former cohort, Scott Kolins, and appears to connect to his upcoming Flash: Rebirth, which is said to reintroduce Barry Allen into contemporary continuity and do for the Flash family what Green Lantern: Rebirth did for the Corps! Big claims, but if anyone can live up to them, it seems it's Geoff Johns!

The master isn't without challenge, however.
Hal Jordan's much maligned death was seen to be the result of severe creative mismanagement, making his return a welcome one in the 2004 mini.
Barry Allen's death, as a result of DC's seminal crisis; Crisis on Infinite Earths; was much less insulting. It put to bed a much-loved character with tremendous respect and heroic sacrifice setting the standard for a worthwhile superhero death for two decades, while also launching the legacy of Wally West's legend!

Reversing this has the potential to have the very reverse effect of constant reiminaginings of characters. Fans have already shown tremendous tolerance for treading on sacred ground, in particular the 2005 faux-resurrections of Jason Todd and Bucky Barnes.

We mustn't count our Flashes before they race! There's still plenty of mystery yet to be revealed, with the matter of Black Lanterns and New Gods still to be resolved! We will, of course, continue to watch on with great interest!

The Fight: 3 The Issue: 5

Are you watching with great interest?
Fancy seeing more first-hand? By using TPB and collection purchase links provided, you not only get a chance to glimpse the many races between Flash and Superman up close, but also help sponsor future entries in the Infinite Wars! Not enough for you? Be sure to stop-in with the Amazonian Gift Shoppe and survey even more titles on offer featuring issues collected from previous reviews!

Thursday, August 07, 2008

QUICKFIX: WONDER MAN vs USAGENT
Don't You Daaare Miss It! (Marvel)
Where: West Coast Avengers Annual #5 When: 1990 Why: Dwayne McDuffie How: Grant Miehm

THE TAPE...
Strength: Wonder Man 6 (Invincible)
Intelligence: USAgent 4 (Tactician)
Speed: Wonder Man 3 (Athle)
Stamina: Wonder Man 5 (Marathon)
Agility: Draw 2 (Average)
Fighting: USAgent 4 (Trained)
Energy: USAgent 2 (Projectile)

Math: Wonder Man
Ranking: USAgent (#73)

THE FIX...
Here on the Infinite Wars we have a pretty strict format policy.
Sure, expanded content has managed to dwarf the classic battle blogging, but when it comes to contributions to our cumulative win/loss statistics it all boils down to combat - until now!

Tomorrow marks the official opening ceremony for the Olympic Games [wink wink] in Beijing, but we thought we'd get in early with a little bit of friendly competition amongst the Avengers. More specifically, a weightlifting challenge waged by the USAgent, who, at least according to Hawkeye, is going for some kind of record.

With month-long themes that have engulfed the Infinite Wars of late, this marks yet another opportunity for us to take a closer look at the grand tradition of the short story in superhero comics.
Earlier in the year, during one of those very montly spotlights, we took a look at the Iron Man annual [#11] from the same year as this entry's (1990). It was to our surprise and pleasure that we received contact from the author of that particular short, who, as it turned out, was not an aspiring comic book professional, but rather a Jill of many trades who came to the rescue of an Editor in need! [Those interested in Carrie Lowery's experience can learn more from her blog: My Cool Job!]

Short stories like these really provide a unique perspective of the American comic book experience, and for a blog like ours, provides endless objet d'art!

This short, which ultimately sees USAgen'ts record attempts thwarted by a well meaning, but completely oblivious, Wonder Man, provides valuable curio. Sure, aside from being a minor contribution to USAgent's exploits as the teeth-grinding straight man of the West Coast Avengers; it's also one of the early works of a writer many will now know as the man behind headline titles like Fantastic Four and Justice League of America - Dwayne McDuffie!

Among McDuffie's most significant contributions was his immediate impact at Marvel with the creation of Damage Control. Pitched as a Marvel Universe sitcom, the series detailed the exploits of a superhero insurance/construction agency which, with much bumbling, helped rebuild oft destroyed locales like Josie's Bar, which was destroyed during a scuffle between Daredevil and Turk, in Damage Control's 1989 pre-series debut [Marvel Comics Presents #19].

Despite fading into obscurity, Damage Control has been a lasting concept in the Marvel Universe. Most recently they played a conspiratory role in Civil War, revealing corruption that had newly appointed CEO, Walter Declun, providing Mutant Growth Hormones in an effort to drum up business. To this end, he was ultimately responsible for the Stamford tragedy that begun the conflict, having provided MGH to enhance the powers of Nitro, who exploded beyond his means in battle with the New Warriors.
After Wolverine weeded out the corruption, the group resumed their super-logical function by rebuilding New York after it was destroyed by World War Hulk.

The legacy of Damage Control continued into the Ultimate Universe, where Brian Michael Bendis used the concept to introduce a benevolent incarnation of the Wrecking Crew, who act as superpowered employees of the agency.

Dwayne McDuffie Buys:
- Icon: A Hero's Welcome
- Civil War: Fantastic Four
- WWH: Damage Control
- JLA: The Injustice League
- JLA: Sanctuary
- Beyond!
- F4: The Beginning of the End
- Static Shock: Vol. 1 DVD
- Justice League: Season 1
- Justice League: Season 2
- JLU: Season 1
- JLU: Season 2
McDuffie is also noteworthy for his role as writer/producer on a string of WB/DC animated series that include; Justice League, Justice League Unlimited, Teen Titans, and the popular animated adaptation of his own 1993 comic creation, Static Shock.
In this instance, however, way back in 1990, Dwayne McDuffie was the writer of Don't You Daaare Miss It!; the story of Wonder Man stealing USAgent's thunder! Oh, yeah, and all hell breaking loose as the Avengers find themselves beseiged by rampaging, animated monster trucks -- but that's a battle for another day!

The Fight: 0 The Story: 3
Winner: Wonder Man

An interesting bonus footnote: This issue of the West Coast Avengers Annual also includes another back-up short written by Carrie Lowery, this time detailing the caper of a misplaced miniature by Hank Pym. Unfortunately, the high quality tale doesn't feature combat, so it's unlikely to feature on the Infinite Wars, but is well worth checking out! "Honey, I shrunk the Hyperatomic Anti-Proton Cannon!" is only available in this issue, so keep an eye out in back issue bins, folks!

Stay tuned for even more features as we celebrate the diverse possibilities of a world of superheroes, and the competition of the Beijing Olympics! Coming up is our own take on an Infinite Wars Olympics, plus; the ultimate race, and statistical gold! Vote in the polls (top right)!

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

IN STORES: AUGUST 06, 2008
You can probably find complete shipping list updates on most major comics sites. Consider this an opportunity to either do all your info-shopping in the one place, or get a speculative perspective on what might be worth checking out. These are untested reads. Secret Wars on Infinite Earths can offer no guarantee or endorsement of quality. These are simply titles that may be of potential interest. Some items may ship late.

The Infinite Wars now has a gift shop!
Now you'll find Amazon purchase links to hardcovers, trade paperbacks, and other collections, not only on regular entries -- but also new releases at the bottom of the Shipping List, and now a whole catalogue of potential purchases via the Infinite Wars: Amazonian Gift Shop. [Men are also welcome!] By shopping with Amazon via our purchase links, you not only find yourself a great deal, but also sponsor future entries on the Infinite Wars.

READ THE PREVIEW - VISIT THE SITE - BUY THE COMIC

Thin and Crispy...
JUN082317 AVENGERS INVADERS #4 (OF 12) $2.99
JUN080270 AUTHORITY #1 $2.99
JUN083804 BOYS #21 (MR) $2.99
JUN082373 FRANKLIN RICHARDS SUMMER SMACKDOWN $3.99
JUN080187 HAWKMAN SPECIAL #1 $3.50
APR082275 IRON MAN VIVA LAS VEGAS #2 (OF 4) $3.99
APR082198 JACK STAFF #18 $3.50
JUN082312 KING SIZE SPIDER-MAN SUMMER SPECIAL $4.99
JUN080230 MANHUNTER #33 $2.99
JUN080206 NIGHTWING #147 RIP $2.99
JUN082379 PATSY WALKER HELLCAT #2 (OF 5) $2.99
JUN082380 PUNISHER WAR JOURNAL #22 $2.99
AUG072031 SPECIAL FORCES #3 (OF 6) $2.99
JUN082303 ULTIMATE ORIGINS #3 (OF 5) $2.99
JUN080306 VINYL UNDERGROUND #11 (MR) $2.99

The Deep Dish...
- JUN080202 DETECTIVE COMICS #847 RIP $2.99
ARTWORK: Darwyn CookeI'm more interested in the Detective story than Morrison's RIP. Does that make me bad person?
As disappointing as the conclusion to Jeph Loeb's year-long mystery was, I actually have a strange fondness for the Hush character. Undoubtedly a character in need of development, I hope Paul Dini will be the man to endear the character to other Bat-fans. Alas; with Battle for the Cowl looming, I imagine it'll be another unfortunately abbreviated attempt to build the character's credibility. At the very least, I hope we can get a decent shot of Catwoman, who will now be sorely without her own title. With Dan DiDio recently confessing to the counter-productive nature of title reboots, one wonders if this might be rectified with long lasting dedication.

- MAY080145 FINAL CRISIS #3 (OF 7) $3.99
Things don't look so good for Wonder Woman!
Not nearly as confusing or mind-bending as some particularly American readers might lead you to believe! Final Crisis, as a major event in the DCU, has been surprisingly subdued thus far, but as the heroes find themselves targetted and knocked-off by the baddies, my expectations continue to grow. Could this possibly be the mass elevation of DC's lead heroes to New Godhood, or will the status quo somehow remain intact after Morrison's Darkside Club rips through it?

- MAY082275 HULK #5 $2.99
Thor missed WWH. He's making up for lost time!
The under performing Norse god of thunder joins Jeph Loeb and Ed McGuinness' duplo proportioned bash-up that continues to linger on the mystery of the titular character's identity. As mindlessly fun as the [sorely absent from the site] punch-up might be, one wonders if this is a step down from the vaguely introspective efforts of WWH. It's a welcome change of pace for Thor, who's tragically bogged down in his own slow moving rebirth, but surely there's a better balance somewhere in between!

- MAY080178 ROBIN #176 RIP $2.99
Batman's missing and Tim Drake's got to take the mantle!
Another surprisingly effective RIP teaser that really isn't giving any clues to the true fate of the Dark Knight, nor the likelihood of his successor! Definitely worth a look, Bat-fans!

- JUN080175 TRINITY #10 $2.99
Crime Syndicate has a much better ring to it than some monster whose name I don't know. Still, Trinity fails to impress from afar, proving to be considerably less enticing than I personally found Countdown to be! If only this were a weekly title introducing a fresh take on an old idea, instead of what feels like stale bread from the mid-nineties...

- JUN082309 VENOM DARK ORIGIN #1 (OF 5) $2.99
Continuing the theme of Brand New Day; Marvel pitch a new Spider-man story that needlessly revisits the past! A little clue for the kids who somehow think the cast of Maximum Carnage are importa t: they aren't! Shockingly enough, it looks like BND might have the more significant Venom story on the way...


Know Your Trade...
APR080228 COUNTDOWN ARENA TP $17.99
JUN082447 ESSENTIAL MAN-THING TP VOL 02 $16.99
FEB080079 GRENDEL GOD & THE DEVIL TP $29.95
APR080062 MASK OMNIBUS TP VOL 01 $24.95
MAY082360 PUNISHER PREM HC WELCOME BACK FRANK $24.99
MAR080032 USAGI YOJIMBO LTD ED HC VOL 22 TOMOES STORY $59.95